Tuesday, June 1, 2010

(Husband/Father) BBQ season

I spent two hours cleaning my disgusting BBQ (mold was growing) last weekend. I guess BBQ's don't winterize well when you leave them greased over for 6 months outside under a tarp. Anyway, I hope you don't mind another vintage post. It's BBQ season and so I thought it was only appropriate. Here it goes........

I was planning on writing about our trip to Bend this weekend but I’m afraid that is going to have to wait. I have got urgent news to tell everyone. My soul bursts forth with an expectant announcement that today insurance saved my butt. We have all seen the news about Hurricane Katrina and how insurance companies have shrugged off the responsibilities to their clients citing small print. I’m sure it was rather confusing for those people when their insurance adjusters explained that, “Most of the time Nationwide is on your side, just not today”, or “You would have been in good hands if you lived a quarter of a mile south of here”, or “State Farm is actually over there, not here like you thought.”

Well today I made it through all of the clauses and pitfalls and actually was given a second chance at grilling. I was going to do something nice for Daisy and grill all of our Brats in the afternoon to heat up later for Dinner. Daisy likes to joke with me by saying “Why do I have to all the cooking around here?” making me think she doesn’t like to cook. But don’t worry everyone; I was still going to let her do the salad. Anyway, I come back in and tell Beast to watch the grill while I run out for some potato salad. When I came back Beast was watching Soap Operas, the grill was on fire, and the siding to our apt. was warped from the heat (I guess the only one you can trust is yourself in this life). Beat and I go out and grab a 99 cent burger at “the Jr.” as I like to call it (actually I don’t know if it’s Karl or Carl so I didn’t want to write the wrong thing. That would be stupid……much like setting the side of the apt on fire…..hmmmm.)

Beast and I go to the park to think about what he had done. I tell him I would shoulder the blame if he could come up with a good way to tell Daisy. He said to start off with something to insinuate he had been hurt and then anything else would seem trivial (Genius). I call Daisy on the cell phone.

Goose: I’ve got something to tell you but don’t worry, Beast is fine.

Daisy: What happened?

Goose: Beast is perfectly healthy, clean, and in tip top shape.

Daisy: I heard you. What happened?

Goose: (Crap, I must have already used this one). I go to plan B and cry.

After the phone call to Daisy I call the insurance agent (Daisy reminded me we have renter’s insurance). I’m still confused over what I see on the commercials and what I see on the news. “I just want to know the truth” I scream at Julie. Instead of telling me I couldn’t handle the truth she tells me it is a liability claim because I damaged someone else’s property and not my own. No deductible? She then tells me that I would qualify for the liability because it falls under fire and flooding. She gives me a claim number and the phone number of the claims agent. She even tells me that it happened to her one time and not to feel badly. I’m ready to do a commercial.

I call the claims adjuster and get the sinking in my stomach when he asks for details. “Julie didn’t ask for details” I tell him. “Who is Julie?” he replies. “My friend.” I say. “Can I get the details sir?” Well it only took a minute. Final hurdle now. I call the manager and tell him both the bad news (the siding) and the good news (insurance covers). I give him the claim number and claim adjuster’s number and tell him to have a nice day and that I have to get back to “really important things” when he interrupts and asks if he could have a look (not so much asking. There is only one answer and it isn’t no.) Oh, and by the way….his boss happens to be in town and will be coming too. Let me tell you something about “fine happy” John. And I don’t mean fine and happy. This guy cites people for just about everything and threatens to fine people in every newsletter. John said I couldn't have my toolbox out on the deck so my “illegal” tool box was dragged inside just as the knock occurred. John and his foot taller than me boss waltz in and immediately outside. Just as I was about to explain Julie’s kindness John said it wasn’t that bad and the boss told me that next time you should….blah…blah…blah. They walked out and I was free. Free and clear.

Now, I wonder if I can get a Craig's list BBQ for under 10 dollars?


  1. The silver lining here is that Daisy didn't kill you. BTW aren't you worried she will find out the truth when she reads this post?

    Bad Goose.

  2. Kelly, you are truly a gem. It's remarkable that Daisy is still shocked over the things I do. At that time I wasn't smart enough to hide silly details. In other words, she knows everything.