Monday, June 28, 2010

(Father) Backyard Fun

When we moved into our duplex 2 years ago Daisy and I inherited a small strawberry patch. This year is a bumper crop so I have been out picking with the boys who enjoy a good snack along the way. That is until Fire had a few bowel explosions we then traced back to berry picking days. Now they watch and ask if certain berries are ready. Needless to say the strawberries and I have become very close. I talk to each one like they were my own child. I have them all named and encourage their threesomes in every way possible. Threesomes are what I look forward to and live by. Physical, spiritual, and emotional well being. I think this is a heartwarming story you all will enjoy.

I approach the patch and before I can say howdy howdy howdy one of them yells, “Goose is here!” A loud cheer rises up from the berries. The leaves fold away to expose all of their cheery faces. A couple of the brownnosers (Tom and Steve) are already raising their stubby little hands saying, “Pick me Goose! Pick me!”

“Slow down there fellas. You still have a little white on your backside.”

“Ah Man” they groan.

“Don’t worry boys. You know what I always say……..”

Everybody then chanted in unison, “Tomorrow is a whole new day.”

“That’s right!” I said giving a swing of my arm.

As I began picking we all sang a strawberry song that goes something this:

I pick them plump and I pick them fresh
I get them red ‘cause they are the best
When it comes to………….Holy Sh*t!! Fire! Put Nancy down! I said put her down, NOW. #SQUISH# Oh for all that is holy!

Fire had decided he did not like Nancy’s singing voice, the song itself was boring, or she looked good enough to eat. I must have caught him by surprise and so he reacted instinctively by……..well……y’know.

I tried to rouse the strawberries into another song but they were hesitant. Then I said those magic words, “C’mon guys. Tomorrow is a whole new day.” And before you know it we were in full swing. Nancy didn’t really have many friends anyway. Although it was still disturbing to see her splattered on Fire’s shirt. Suddenly I heard crying and asked everyone to stop. I bent down to see little Timmy crying. “Timmy, what’s wrong?”

“Nothin’ Goose”

“Timmy, you have to tell me” Timmy turned and I could see a hole in the side of his head. Everyone gasped, including me. “Timmy, who did this to you?”

“I don’t want to get anyone in trouble.”

“You won’t Timmy. I swear.”

“Cross my heart and hope to die. Stick a thousand needles in my eye.” I winked at little Timmy and he smiled. Timmy looked down and became serious again.

“The ants”

“I knew it” as I turned my head to look at the ant pile by the shrub. “I should never have trusted them.”

“You said it wouldn’t get anyone in trouble.” I turned back to look at Timmy. My voice became demonized.

“I lied”

I ran into the house and boiled water in the tea kettle. When the whistle blew I was out the door with kettle hand. I heard a distant, “Hey, here comes Goose to give us some chocolate.”

“That’s not a silver wrapper Johnny. RUN!!” I poured the hot water on the pile just to give a warning shot across the bow (except my warning shot killed half the ants. Ooops).

“Who hurt Timmy?!? Who did it?” Nobody said a word. “Charlie, please tell me the truth.”

“It was the slugs.”

“Why would Timmy lie?”

“You haven’t seen him chumming up to them? They wanted him to become part of the gang but he said no. They roughed him up for betraying them. Still feels loyalty toward them though.”

“That’s not true. I’ve talked to the slugs and they said they would never do that to the strawberries.”

“Are you stupid Goose? Everyone in this backyard is out for themselves. Everyone.”

“You aren’t being very nice”

“Oh yeah, were tired of singing that ant song too”

“Careful Charlie.” I raised the kettle.

“Go ahead Goose. You don’t have the balls.” One of the other ants (Amos) screamed, “Charlie, the Vasectomy.”

“AAAAAUUUUUGGGGGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!” I poured the boiling water out and began laughing as I heard the screams. “Nobody makes fun of Goose.” “Nobody!” After the kettle was empty, the screams had turned to groans, and my heart rate returned to normal, I fell to my knees and asked God for forgiveness. But something had already snapped inside of my brain.

“What happened here?” I turned and saw Owen the slug and his band of brothers. “Goose, are…….ok?” He turned to look at his tribe to confirm he wasn’t the only one to see my ashen, and sweaty, face.”

“I gotta surprise for you.” I said as I stumbled into the house.

“It looks like Goose has sugar for us.”

Rose the slug said, “That’s not sugar Owen! Run!”

Owen said, “We can’t run you idiot.”




“To who?”

By that time I had reached them. “Would you like salt with that?” At the end of 15 seconds the mountain of salt was all that was left.

“Daddy?..............Daddy?” I looked up to see Beast standing over me. “Fire’s full.” I look over to see fire put the last strawberry into his mouth. He had eaten them all. Even the white ones. Then I had a moment of clarity. I pulled both my boys to my breast.

“Let me let you in on a little secret guys.”

“What’s that dad?”

“You are more important than anything in my life”

“Even the strawberries?”

“Well, Fire made sure of that didn’t he? Now who wants chocolate milk?” Everyone shrieked for joy, including me. As they ran into the house I couldn’t help but remember the tragedy that had just happened minutes ago. I stretched and soaked in the sunshine for a second or two. I breathed in a breath of fresh air and chuckled, “With friends like me who needs enemies?” I turned back and gave all of them the middle finger before heading into the house where everyone was happy to see me.

The End


  1. Hahaha I love your humour. This is so random and amazing. This would make Strawberry Shortcake die of fright! Mischievous little strawberries. So uncooperative! Then when you capture them they rot quickly out of spite.

  2. Loveable homebody,

    Thank you so much. I had forgotten all about Strawberry Shortcake. Didn't she have a boyfriend called Blueberry pie? I'll have to look it up.

  3. I feel I need to tell everyone no drugs or alcohol were used in the writing of this post. As my friend (Dr. Rob) told me last month, "When God made you he made someone......interesting." That's coming from an Athiest!

  4. I agree with your friend. Another great post. The good thing is I am getting together with friends this weekend and I think they enjoy when I read your stories, so thanks for the new one.

  5. Dr. Goose,

    Ever hear of the ASPCAM?

    (American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Ants and Molluscs)

  6. Kelly,

    I would be willing to bet your art in storytelling is most of the humor.


    You gotta be kidding.

  7. Yes, of course I'm kidding Dr. Goose. The ASPCA isn't concerned about molluscs. I just made that up. My futile attempt at humor. I don't have your gift.

  8. Buddy,

    Futile attempt at humor my ass! You have a gift and it is called being part of this noble community called husband/something/something/something etc.