Sunday, June 27, 2010

Husband/Father (You will feel a pinch...) II


Daisy walked in and said it looked great without even looking at my shaving job. I was hoping for a pat on the head, a thumbs up, a smile, and maybe a, “For your first time I’d say you did pretty well.” Just like our wedding night.

Printed off directions and went to bed. In the morning Daisy and I left with the care of the children in mother-in-law and sister-n-law’s hands. Find our way to the building around 7:50 am but am angered to see the pharmacy doesn’t open until 8:30 am. They said I could take my Valium at 8 and that it would be in my system by my 8:30 appt. At 8:30 they called me back to “The Room”. She (I’ll call her Kai) took my blood pressure and I started in on a speech a drug user would be proud of. She said I could go back to get those pretty yellow pills but had to make it quick. I rushed to the pharmacy but the guy in front me had a lot of unnecessary questions. Y’know, questions like, “Do I take this orally or anally?” Remember how I said I wasn’t sure if the drugs had been ordered? Well, she couldn’t find the order. “When was it ordered?” she asked.

“I…I…um….the surgery was…..could… wife…...chickens and potato chips and sausage and…………….what was the question?”

“Oh I found it. Ordered back in May.”

It was like somebody had dumped a bucket of cold water on my head. “How do I get this into my bloodstream as fast as possible? Snort, smoke, IV?”

She said orally was best and asked when my surgery was. I said 5 minutes ago and she asked if I had anybody to drive me. I said yes and she said take two. I washed my pills down and realized I had to go to the bathroom. I looked down the hall to where I needed to wait for Kai and then down the other hall where the bathroom was. I didn’t want a doctor who felt rushed but I didn’t want to pee on him either. I ran to the bathroom and peed. As I was washing my hands I realized I would have two people standing over my crotch and, most likely, my legs slightly spread. Sh**!!! Do I need to wipe my backside? How I wished the bathroom had a bidet. My empathy bucket was now overflowing for any woman who has had a gynecologist appointment.

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