Sunday, June 27, 2010

Husband/Father (You will feel a pinch...)

I am lying on a table with my pants and underwear off. There is a blanket over my man parts and the room is as cold as a meat locker. The woman approaches and stands over me with a washcloth that is soiled in a red substance and states, “I’m going to expose you now.” At this point the snippers had yet to come out but I was anxiously awaiting them as my prep work for the Vasectomy was in full swing. Let’s back up a little.

I had been anxiously awaiting my Vasectomy the whole week. Not so much that I was scared as much as I wanted to get it over with. There were only four things I was worried about and had become fixated upon. One, I needed to shave myself. Two, I needed some supportive underwear and did not have them. Third, I had asked the doctor to order me a muscle relaxer and was praying it had been done. Fourth, I needed directions.

Daisy had gone down to her parents to help paint their house on Thursday. She brought back her sister, and her mother. I welcomed them and said I was glad they could all be with me for such a special occasion. She also brought her father’s tighty whities. I’m not sure if either my father-in-law or I were keen on my wearing his underwear but evidently they were new. I checked for brown stripes but there were none. Don’t judge me please.

We all played a board game that evening. I stood up and asked the ladies, “Should I shave tonight or tomorrow?” All three said I should shave that night because you never know how long it will take and I wouldn’t want to be late. I agreed.

I brought down a lamp from upstairs and set out my tools. The instructions specifically said I should shave with a straight edge and not an electric shaver. Luckily Daisy had some straight edge razors, with a safety shield, that she uses for her legs. I didn’t have any shaving foam so I figured I would use soap. I looked at all the products and decided to use some Oxy pads for sterilization. That went ok. I surveyed again and thought I might want to use pre-shave lotion. It was for electric shavers but what the hell, I was in pre-shave mode. Then I thought, “I should trim first” so I got out some scissors and began to go through a labor intensive sprucing. The instructions said the scrotum but also specified the base of the penis. I was a little frustrated because I didn’t want to do shave too little and have them think I was sloppy but I didn’t want to shave too much and have them think I had thoroughly enjoyed myself. Finally, I had to ask myself………if I was going to perform surgery on my testicles where would I need…uh… “Clearance”. I told myself I would never perform surgery on my own testicles. Then the part of me that asked the question held the razor against the base of my penis and said, “Don’t get cute”. So the other part of me began instructing the part of me that held the razor where to begin shaving.

After I had gotten into a pretty decent rhythm I heard, “Taking a while aren’t you Goose? (snicker, giggle, giggle)”

I opened the door a crack and said, “Daisy, I need your opinion.”

Daisy grimaced and said, “Do I have to?”

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