Monday, June 14, 2010

(Father) My daughter-in-law is a drunken she-devil *Part I*

Daisy and I were on a walk the other day and were talking about how much we like our children’s personalities. We couldn’t help but talk about what the future might hold for them. Then I thought, “What would happen if we didn’t like our daughter-in-laws. I wouldn’t be able to stand up at the wedding and say, ‘I now have the daughter I always wanted’” The thought has stuck like a sliver in my brain. Here was my nightmare last night. We were camping with relatives and it was night. I have sat sulking for the majority of the afternoon and now rustle myself awake to say something.

Sound the horn! Gather from both near and far. All must come to hear of my legendary Daughter-in-law! Children! Sit closer around the fire so you may be fortunate enough to hear of these tawdry tales. You children must carry on the stories of old. Let these stories of Tawna sear into your bellies. Let its taste of sulfur be ever present on your lips. Keep watch! For Tawna may be among you this very night. Hovering over each and every one of you. Looking to quench her hunger on your very souls. My son Beast was her last prey and she won’t be giving him up anytime soon. Oh God, please protect my grandchildren because she never lets me see them.

Do you see the stars? Look up in wonder and view its glory. Now look at the trees swaying in the wind. Quiet now everyone. I said quiet. Brother Bill are you even capable of shutting up for one damn second? Oh yeah, I see your finger. It’s real pretty. Why don’t put that thing away before I break it. Hey Bill, make way for Grandma would you? What is it? It’s some sort of scooter thingy Wilford Brimley was selling on TV. How the hell should I know how much it was? Her insurance paid for it. I said her insurance paid for it you idiot. I’m trying to tell a story about my daughter-in-law people. Are any of you interested in what she has taken from me? Are any of you willing to accept the fact my son won’t be coming back? (Silence) That’s what I thought.

Friends and family, stare into the fire. Do you see how the flames are alive? You cannot predict where they will be next. Just when you think you are aware of its pattern of activity it will switch on you. Fire will lull you to sleep. It will impress upon you its desire to serve you with heat and light only to overcome you with its unlimited power. Daisy and I welcomed this woman into our home and was fooled into thinking she liked looking at family pictures. Before we knew it she was engaged to him and not interested in us any longer. By the time it was too late. Beast was in love.

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