Sunday, June 27, 2010

Husband/Father (You will feel a pinch...) III

I leave the bathroom and see Kai in the hallway motioning for me to follow. I enter the door; walk down another hallway, and into what felt like the Antarctic. “Oh great” I thought “I’m going to shrink”.

I know it shouldn’t matter. Just like getting a pimple in High School. It’s not like anybody cares. But because shame is so painful, it matters. Businesses make millions of dollars off how men feel about the size of their penis. It reminds me of a joke.

A man and woman are about to have sex for the first time. The man drops his pants to reveal a small penis. The woman begins laughing and asks, “Who do you plan on pleasing with that?”

The man states confidently, “Me”

Anyway, Kai attaches a metal plate to my hip to ground me for the cauterization.

“Nice Tattoo” she said.

“Thanks” I replied.

And now we resume our story. In the booklet it said my genitals would be washed. I was a little worried I might obtain an erection which would embarrass us both. Well, this was anything but a nice gentle cleansing. In fact, I think I heard my man parts screaming for mercy. At this point I have to make a confession. I never gave my man parts a hint as to what we were going to the doctor for. They looked at me like I had just betrayed them. “You don’t think this hurts me too?” I said.

“Who are you talking to?” Kai said.

“Wally” I said. He’s scared.

Seriously though, I asked Kai (who was a very sweet Hawaiian woman who has four kids) how most men behave when they are at this point. She said like me, scared and quiet. I said I wasn’t scared but winked. I said I did my best to shave well and she as long as I didn’t use an electric razor I was probably fine. She continued by saying they had a guy yesterday who had used an electric razor and it looked as if a cat had used his testicles as a scratching post. I asked why he didn’t stop and she said he just wanted to, “muscle through it”. I told her the Valium was starting to take effect and how I was melting into the mattress. Then the doctor walked in. Do you remember when a teacher walked into a classroom and everything stopped no matter if the teacher was nice or evil? Or when a parent walked into a room with you and your friends? Or when the boss walks over to the water cooler? The dynamic changes.

He walked over to the radio and put it on a jazz station, asked a couple of questions, and then left. Kai continued as if nothing happened. She said during one vasectomy a song called, “Let’s get it on” played and she had to stifle a laugh. Then she said, “Could you spread your legs please?” She took a rolled up a towel and snuggled it into my anus so my genitals were set on it like on the top of a post.

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