Monday, August 9, 2010

(Father) Poo


It was ironic one of my relatives wrote about poo on her blog today I had an experience this afternoon that concerned the same subject.

I will make it quick.

Took off Fire's pants so he could go pee in the toilet. Had to run to get coffee out from under espresso maker. Saw an ant coming out from underneath espresso maker. Squashed it. Saw another. Squashed it. Became suspicious and lifted espresso maker. 50 ants making themselves comfortable. None escaped alive. Slid out water collector and looked inside. Colony. Threw espresso maker into the sink and soaked it. Looked back at counter and saw escapees carrying white things in mouth (eggs?). I gagged. Pound fist on counter. Squash squash squash. Beast comes into kitchen.

"Fire pooped on his bed"

"What?!?" I run into room. Poop on floor, in bed, on blankets, and in hands. Fire is laughing. "Oh sh*t!"

"Oh sh*t"

"Dear God!"

"Dear God"

"Stop repeating what I say Beast! Stop laughing Fire." Pick up Fire and put him down on tile floor in bathroom. Poop on foot now on floor. Throw him into shower and turn on. Crying because it is cold. Shove handle toward hot. Crying because of scalding water. Spray down.

"I want in the shower."


"I want in the shower!"

"Fine!" Throw Beast in.

Cleaning up poop on carpet (Awesome Power Spray) and tile. Strip sheets and throw in washer. Hear Fire screaming. Rush to bathroom and fling open shower door. Shampoo everywhere and Fire holding eyes.

"Did it get in his eyes Beast?!?"


I flip Fire on his back and start flushing eyes. Flailing arms and legs, choking, spitting, crying, you name it. Drag both boys out of shower dripping wet. Poop towel no longer an option. Rush to get a clean one and came back to both boys in the fetal position and Goosebumps. Throw shorts on both and send them outside. Consider locking door so they don't come in. Clean up water in bathroom, scrub and wipe up Awesome Power Spray, and begin vacuuming. Fire and Beast come into room. "Go away guys, this is a poopy room."

"But it's Fire's room, not yours."

"It's mine now. Go." Turn on TV.

"Is this going to be a naked movie?"

"What are you talking about?" I decide to talk to Daisy later. Turn on Alice and Wonderland cartoon (kinda creepy). Find clothes and slap them on. Had to cut off Fire at 4 bowls of Cheerios. He fell on the floor and wailed. Tackled Beast to take away his granola bar. Took off shirt soaked in milk and took him to bed. Nice and quiet lunch with Beast and took him to quiet time. Finished this post just in time. Gotta go.

I love you all.


  1. Wow... that sounds like a really great afternoon with the kids! I can't wait until I get to potty train!

  2. Baker,

    He has peeing down just fine. If I ask him to poo he says, "Later daddy. Later" Like 15 yrs old later?

  3. LOL! Oh, man. I am SO glad my kids are grown.

  4. Linda,

    Tawna deals with dogs while I deal with kids. So your saying grown kids don't do this anymore? I'm losing hope. Can you believe the ants? I swear we are not disgusting people.

  5. Back in the day, my husband and I would have called this episode "A FIVE ALARMER."

    Now that the kids have grown into a surly teenager and a know-it-all tweenie, a shower hose might still solve some behavior problems. You know: like the way you squirt a cat in the face when he's being naughty?

  6. Dianne,

    You are right. Shower hoses can be useful for more than just cleansing. Waterboarding might be another.

  7. Good poop story. Here's my favorite, from:

    My kid was about 1 or 1 1/2 when he started going through a poop phase. He was obsessed with poop. He would insist on looking at a shitty diaper after he destroyed it, with a "yeah that's right, say my name, bitch!" look on his face. He would talk about it all the time in public ("Daddy I have a HUGE LOAD in my pants"). He would barge into the bathroom when I was dropping anchor and insist on taking a look at my craftwork. He even went through a period where he would stick his finger in his ass and then put it in his mouth and say "it's yummy" (by the way this was super fucked up and scarred me for life).
    So one day, just after breakfast, he drops a load and my wife goes to change him. She lays him back on the changing table, takes his shitty diaper off, wraps it up, and turns to put it in the diaper genie. She looks away and then turns back, leaning over him to coo or sing or make goo goo noises or whatever chicks do. What she did not realize was that the little fecophile had stuck his hand down into his ass while she was looking away and now had what could best be described as a shit mitten. So she is singing away and he reaches up and fish hooks her with the shit mitten. Just jams his hand in her mouth and yanks down on her jaw, scraping poo off his hand with her teeth (ever eat an artichoke?). It took a second or two for her to realize he had shit all over his hands...and that she, therefore, now had a mouthful of baby shit. She gagged and was so disgusted that she promptly VOMITED ON THE BABY and started crying hysterically, which of course made the baby start crying. I heard the commotion and by the time I walked in, they were both screaming and crying, covered in regurgitated Special K and poo. My wife ran over to the bathroom and I actually saw her SPIT POO in the sink (definitely NOT a turn on). Meanwhile, the baby quickly went from crying to laughing, looks up at me innocently and says "Daddy, I'm POOOPY!" Roger that.