Saturday, August 7, 2010

(Man) Revenge

If you are seeking revenge toward a friend or family member I would suggest sending them this e-mail.  It worked in ruining my relationship so I thought it would help any of you who are looking to save time.  Feel free to change any part of this to fit your situation.  Good luck and God bless.

Dear Rhino,

Your threats have no effect on me because of a force field I have developed over the past ten years. I'm not going to give away its secrets but it involves a ham sandwich, smoke bomb, jellyfish and several liters of Gatorade. Do you know why I built this force field? Because in Jr. High I was the only guy who wore a New Kids on the Block T-shirt to school. And guess what? The sticks they beat me with and the stones they threw at me in fact broke my bones. And the words they used actually hurt me. From that day forward I knew a time like this would eventually come and I would then be prepared to deflect onslaughts of foul language and antagonism as well as create an abusive offensive attack. I did not know what kind of insults or who they might come from. How was I ever to know that someone would be you?

For as long as I have known you I have never had an inkling of dislike toward your character. I thought we shared a deep respect for one another but now I know it is not true. Eventually the truth unveils itself and the darkness comes into the light. It reveals an unattractive, distasteful, and repugnant odor that smells of sour milk, rotten eggs, dog breath, and fish that has been left out in the Florida heat and humidity for 36 hours. I had not anticipated your verbal abuse. At the moment of your attack I found there was no limit to where you would strike and what kind of lethal venom you would choose from in your vast repertoire of evil.

I feel it is only fair to warn you that you have set off a chain of events that will now lead to your ultimate destruction. The bowels of Hades have opened and the wolves of hell have been unleashed. Their mouths are parched and their appetite for your soul is overpowering and ultimately devastating. In due course the blood in your veins will run cold as the shadows of the night envelop your feelings with hopelessness and apprehension. Your mind will ruminate upon your transgressions as sleep escapes you. You will cry out for understanding but it will not approach you. You will howl for forgiveness but it will not be given. You will beg for compassion and implore me for acceptance but I will desecrate you.

Welcome to the future inevitability of your existence!!

In case you are curious, this friend had not called me back in what I considered a timely manner. I called again and left a message saying something like, “I’m going to vandalize your ass with my foot.” When he e-mailed me back he made excuses saying something about a wife, kids, and 12 hour work days…..blah...blah…blah. I called him out on being a horrible excuse for a doctor saying something to the effect of, “Instead of saving lives how about saving our friendship you dumb non-friend.”

He wrote back and said, “I am not afraid of you little girly man.” That was all I needed in order to write my letter. He insulted my manhood and that’s just plain uncalled for. His comment to me were out of bounds right? Daisy said I went too far and I should have toned it down a notch or two. I simply wanted to make a point that would ensure he didn’t say those mean things to me again.  What do you think?  Too strong or did I go too easy on him?

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