Friday, July 2, 2010

(Husband) I'm a dirty liar

I lied to Daisy. It was stupid and wrong and I was a fool for doing so. However, up until that point I hadn’t exactly lied per se. I had only kept specific information to myself. In my mind I was justified by not getting her upset which would, in turn, get me in trouble. However, when confronted directly I spun a “reasonable” explanation for the whole mess which prompted the president of the lying liars association of all things untrue, stationed in Lieville, to give me a call and welcome me into his fold.

Let me briefly explain. Daisy, the kids, and I have been without dental insurance for a while. When we finally received it last month we signed everyone up for an appointment. I went in, got the x-rays, got an inspection, and was asked if I smoked. I said I didn’t smoke and said nothing more. No more questions were asked. Let me explain something to you all.  Y’know how most people like to chew their food. Well I like to chew too. Except sometimes I like to chew tobacco. I can already hear the crowd give out a collective “EEEEEWWWWW!!!! That’s gross. It’s disgusting. Do you know how bad that is for you? Did you know chewing tobacco can cause mouth and throat cancer? Do have a brain the size of a walnut? Why on God’s green earth would you go out and pay for your own death?” My response is I trust tobacco companies to tell the truth.

So I have a feeling the dental hygienist might see some stains and figure it out anyway. But I don’t chew that often and very sporadically. At last I decided to tell I chewed and she said they had a cessation program I could be involved in. I said I would finish my can and that would be the end. Strangely, it is not terribly difficult for me to stop. I just get cravings every 6-12 months and give in once a year for a week or two. At any rate, they finish up and give me a pamphlet on how my appt went. I walk out as Daisy is walking in for her appt. “Here.” I said giving her the pamphlet. “The dentist said I have great oral hygiene.”

“Yes Goose, you said oral, stop giggling please.” I went up to make my next appt and feel a tap on my shoulder. “Why does it say to stop smoking in your pamphlet?”

“Wha…….” I look at the pamphlet. “Bastards!” I said to myself. “Well Daisy, I don’t smoke. They must have said I need to stop if I was”

“Oh.” Daisy looked at the pamphlet with a confused look on her face. I go to work and walk into my friend’s office.

“I’m screwed.” I tell her the story and we both agreed Daisy would know within the hour. “But that’s against HIPPA law.” I said. Even so, my friend said they would most likely tell her about my medical status even if they offically need a release of information from me. Daisy called three times that afternoon but my phone was off because I was seeing clients. After work I walk in the door and am greeted by the kids and a happy wife. The kids went down to bed and we sat in our bedroom taking care of paperwork.  I had dodged a bullet.


  1. I'm wondering if chewing tobacco has the other non-tobacco stuff that cigarettes have, like rat poison. Regardless, it's still obviously bad for you, so if you quit and blog about the process, you'll have my comments of support and I hope those from others! I'm glad you're not horribly addicted. It's nice that you were honest with your dentist.

  2. Loveable.

    Thanks. The selfish side of me wish I hadn't been honest or that I should still call and remind them of patient confidentiality. But the responsibility lies with me so I have to own it and not blame anyone else. The kids knowing about my habit turns my stomach. Y'know the little girl in The Grinch that asks, "Why santa? Why are you taking my Christmas tree?" If they ever asked, "Why daddy? Why are you chewing tobacco?" I would feel like horse manure. Not just any kind of manure. Horse manure.

  3. Ok, seriously...need to go get the kids dressed but can'

  4. Jennifer,

    I can already tell you are an awesome woman.