Monday, July 12, 2010

(Father) The Tortoise and the Hare

I haven’t posted because the family and I went on a little camping trip and surrounded ourselves with even more family. I think this is the 6th annual. We have to rent a gigantic field with about 6 fire pits to fit everyone. You can go the whole weekend without having spoken to a few people because you didn’t have the time. There are plenty of things to talk about regarding camping such the volleyball expert who instructs everyone, in the middle of the game, on how to play saying things like, “That’s not in the official rules”. Bottom line? Takes a p*ss on fun. At the campfire there is the conversation dominator who has something to say about every subject and doesn’t leave room for others to speak. There is also the guy who brought his segway but I won’t harp on him too much because it was surprisingly fun.

What I will talk about is Daisy speed vs. Goose speed when getting out the door with children in tow. This has been an area of conflict that we go ‘round and ‘round about almost every time we have to leave and we have not been able to break the cycle. I would be more than happy if Daisy were a bit more relaxed and Daisy wishes I was able to rev up to warp speed thinking ten steps ahead.

I’ll give a couple of examples from my day today. Daisy and I have been together almost 14 years so I will explain what I did and take a well educated guess as to Daisy’s way of thinking. I had an appt with the mechanic at 10 o’clock am and it was 8:45 am when I started getting ready.

Goose: “Where are Fire’s shoes? I brought the blue ones in from our camping gear so I will check the garage.” I want Fire’s blue pair because I know they fit or else we would not have had them on the trip. I check the garage, his room, our room and Beast’s room along with both bathrooms. Nothing.

Switch scene

Daisy: “Where are Fire’s shoes? I brought the blue ones in from our camping gear and know they are in the back of his closet. Beast had them in his hands last night and I told them where they go. I saw him Beast throw one to the left where it sat on his grey dress shoe and one to the right where it then became covered by his red sandal. I will now proceed to put the shoes on him.”

Switch scene

Goose: “I’m going to the shoe pile to find another pair. Here is a pair! Wait, that’s Beast’s so they will be too big for Fire. No, he can still wear them. Not really because if we go to the park then he might trip when on the play structure and fall to his death. Then Daisy would be mad that I just didn’t take the effort to find a comfortable shoe.” I find a comfortable shoe! Yeah! I can’t find the other one to match. Boo.

Switch scene

Daisy: “Here are some shorts and a shirt to match. Fire will look adorable in these.”

Switch scene

Goose: “What about those sandals he had on last night? No, those kept falling off and I had to put them back on about 5 times.” I overturn the shoe basket. “I’ll just have to clean those up later."

Beast: “Daddy, I just sneezed.” He runs into the room with snot dripping off his mouth.

Goose: I run in to the bathroom, grab a tissue, and wipe him off. “Where was I? Oh yeah, the shoes.” I go back to Fire’s room.

Switch scene

Daisy: “I think I’ll make a picnic to eat at the park while our car gets fixed. It’s right across the street. Oops, don’t worry Beast I’ll get that for ya. I’ve got a tissue in my back pocket.”

Switch scene

Goose: “I think these will work. These socks look fine.” I walk upstairs to get Fire who is playing in Beast’s room.

Beast: “Fire peed his pants!”

Fire: “Pee pee” as he points to his crotch.

Switch scene

Daisy: “It’s probably time to take Fire to the bathroom. Since I already have lunch made I will go ahead and do that.”

Switch scene

Goose: “Crap.” I take Fire back to his room and change his pants and sit him on the toilet.

Fire: “No toilet! No toilet” (screaming and crying) while he tries to climb up to the top of my head.

Switch scene

Daisy: “Good job going on the potty Fire. Let’s get you a treat.”

Switch scene

Goose: “Just sit on the potty for a minute Fire. I promise you a big treat. Good job. (1 second passes) You can’t already be done Fire."

Fire: Crying, Wailing, Stomping, and Screaming.

Goose: “Aaaaaarrrrrgggghhh! I know he has to go more but I’ll wait until I get to the mechanic shop”

Fire: “Treat! Treat!”

Beast: “I want a treat too!” (whining)

Goose: “I can’t give you a treat Fire. You didn’t go pee.”

Fire: “I sit on toilet!!” Face flushed and tears streaming

Goose: I did say he only needed to technically sit on the potty. “All right! Just stop crying.” I open the cupboard and find some marshmallows from camping. “Here!”

Switch scene

Daisy: “Here is your M&M that is carefully placed on the counter next to the toilet.” Fire smiles and laughs.

Fire: “I wuv you mama”

Daisy: “Ohhhh, I love you too Fire” They rub noses and Daisy tickles him. Beast runs into the bathroom and asks excitedly

Beast: “Can we go to the car fixer now!”

Daisy: “Of course sweetheart. Chop chop. Go get your sun hats and sunglasses.” Both boys scurry off into their rooms.

Switch scene

Beast: “I want a treat! I want a treat! I want a treat!”

Goose: “You didn’t go to the potty Beast!”

Beast: “I did a long time ago”

Goose: “Fine. Here is a marshmallow.”

Beast: “But I don’t like marshmallows” (Whine)

Goose: “But you did on the camping tr……..y’know what? Forget it”

Fire: “ ‘nother one! ‘nother one!”

Goose: “No to you both” What in the hell was I going to do next? Oh yeah, shoes.

Beast/Fire: Cry and follow me up the stairs.

Goose: “OK, here are the shoes aaannnnnddd (looking around) here are the socks. Wait, why is there only one sock? I had both socks in my hand when I came up here!” By that time both kids have reached me and are still crying. “Do either of you even remember what you are crying about?” I shut the door and keep looking for the one sock I lost. There is now banging on the door as the crying begins reaching a whole new level of pitch which causes me to have an instant headache and my ears to bleed. I’m in a freaking zombie movie!

Switch scene

Daisy: In the car and singing in unison. “The wheels on the bus go ‘round ‘round ‘round……all through the town”

Switch scene

Goose: Dragging both kids to the car and strapping them in. “I’ll be back.” I run in and get the sunscreen and run back to the car.

Beast: “I want out.”

Goose: “Not yet.” Grrrrrr, I forgot the lunch. I go inside. “I didn’t make lunch” I pack 4 pieces of bread, peanut butter, and a plastic knife. I come back and Beast is in the driver’s seat pressing all of the buttons in front of him. “Get back in your chair Beast”

Beast: “I’m thirsty”

Goose: “Oh yeah, water” I run into the house and grab two sippy cups but can’t find the lid for one. I run back. “Just don’t spill this ok Beast?”

Beast: “But I want my star wars one” (Whine)

Goose: “Stop whining” I look over at Fire. “Why are you sleeping?”

Switch scene

Daisy: “Sorry we are early Ron. Do you mind if we drink water on this bench?”

Ron: “Of course. Goin’ to the park today boys?”

Beast/Fire: (smiling) “yes.”

Daisy: “Here is your star wars water bottle Beast. And here is your Toy Story water bottle Fire.”

Beast/Fire: “Thank you.”

Switch scene

Goose: “Sorry I’m late Ron” As I drag my kids inside the shop.

Ron: “Golly Goose, I didn’t think you were comin’”

Goose: “Wha….”

Ron: Points up to the clock. “You’re a half hour late so I had someone in line go ahead of you. Are you ok Goose? You look like you’re gonna pass out. Sally! Call on ambulance I don’t think he’s breathin’!”

Switch scene

Beast: At the park and building beautiful memories together. “Where did you say Daddy went?”

Daisy: “To heaven sweetheart.”

Beast: “Can he see us from there?”

Daisy: (Sigh) “I sure hope not. Do you guys want me to push you on the swing?”

Beast/Fire: “Yeah!”

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