(Man/Husband/Father) Filthy Sex

1) Picture the scene. Daisy is in the kitchen with black high heeled shoes, black fish net stockings, a black mini skirt, and a spaghetti strapped black blouse with one of the straps hanging off the shoulder. She has a, yes you guessed it, a black apron on and is leaning her back against the counter facing the stairs. I descend the stairs and look to my left to see her. Her hair is down, streaming over her cheeks, and she is licking a spoon with black melted fudge.

“What would you like for dinner?” She whispers.

“How about a hot steaming plate of you.” I say. She throws her head back and laughs. She stops suddenly only to lower her head down and stare at me with eyes that penetrate my very soul. That’s right. I said penetrate. She growls and I become excited but frightened. She throws the spoonful of hot fudge on my bare chest.

I smile. “That’s downright filthy.”

“I know.”

That is what I imagine dinner time to be. Instead, Daisy yells upstairs, “What do you want for dinner?”

“A hot steaming plate of you!” I yell back.

(Pause)

“I think Fire just pooped his pants.”

2) Speaking of filthy, our car was a pig sty until yesterday. Down right unsanitary. Quite honestly, the health department could have been called for the risk we were putting our boys in. I realized it was bad when I was taking the boys to the gym where they would participate in child care. I quickly grabbed an apple and an apple cutter so they could snack along the way. I cut the apple and gave them each three slices. Beast dropped his on the ground; I picked it up, rubbed off the dirt and gave it back to him.

“Can I still have it?” He asked.

“Of course” I said. Then I looked around on the floor and found a blue plastic bowl to put his pieces in so he wouldn’t drop them. I then found a pink water cup for Fire.

“I’m thirsty” Beast said. Admittedly it was very hot so I grabbed a couple of water cups up from the floor. I was about to fill them up with the hose but thought better of it. Instead of looking through the cupboards I went ahead and filled the cups up with water from the sink. I feel like I’m at confession now. In the past I have been known to let my kids drink day old water if it is still in the cup holders. I don’t want them dehydrated. They have also eaten, without my permission, some of the cheerios left on their seat from previous snacks. I have also let them pee next to the car in the parking lot if a bathroom is not nearby. I’m sorry. But don’t give me the Hail Mary’s just yet.