Tuesday, July 27, 2010

(Man/Husband/Father) Filthy Sex II

I found a brochure from September of 2009 when the state fair was being promoted. Shoes, forks, used napkins, wipes, toys, wrappers, an ice scraper, an umbrella, straws, Taco Bell hot sauce packets, and lots of mapquest directions. I see guys detailing their cars on the weekends and it makes me shake my head. My detailing consists of a trash can next to the paper grocery bag (for shoes and clothing) and a vacuum cleaner with the scraper nozzle. The cars now look great by the way. I had been inspired to clean my two cars after noticing our filthy carpet.

3) Cleaning our cars would be more disappointing if they were new and I planned on having them for a while. Instead, these cars are kid friendly. Just like the carpet in our duplex. I’m not worried about how much money I spent on carpet because they will just tear the cheap carpet up when the next person moves in. I know we will eventually buy a new car and be in a house I do not want dirty. And I know it may just be a different kind of dirt like soccer cleats and sweat. But at least it won’t be urine and feces from a potty training Fire. However, vomit may come into the picture from a car sick kid. Moving on.

My brother-in-law loaned me a carpet cleaner and so I cleaned our living room. Pretty disgusting water at the end of all. Who knew? I thought it was fascinating while Daisy could barely watch as I poured it down the drain. Speaking of filthy carpet how about filthy kids?

4) We have an excuse in not giving our kids a bath every day. They both have eczema and it dries their skin out. But there are times when we look at each other and say, “When was the last time they were bathed?” I think getting into a squirt gun fight is just as good. Daisy doesn’t think so. Surely a hose fight. Not so. A kiddy pool immersion? No. So we put them in the tub and experience Fire who splashes vigorously, fills up water and pours it out onto the floor, unplugs the drain, drinks the dirty water, stands up, and may even decide it is a good place to poop. We take him out and he fights us in a very robust manner while we try to apply his eczema lotion. A greased pig rolling around on the carpet. I’m pretty sure hog tying is illegal but I’m not even sure it would help. Speaking of filthy boys may I tell you about my filthy teeth?

5) My teeth are green and have been known to fall out because of infection. I just don’t like brushing because it is such a chore. Kidding of course. So I go to the dentist to get a routine cleaning. I lay in the chair; she points the light into my mouth and starts to work. I look at the ceiling, out the window; listen to a child screaming in the office next door, and eventually into the eyes of the woman with the goggles and surgical mask on. I blush because she is inches away from my face and is very pretty. I mean, what could be more intimate then that? Cleaning my filthy teeth and my saying,“Yu ha rity I”. After she took her surgically gloved hands out of my mouth I sat up and said, “I know we had an intimate moment just now but….."

“We had a wh………?”

“SSShhhhh” I put my index finger on her lips. “Let’s not ruin it with words.” And with that I walked out and never looked back.

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