Tuesday, July 13, 2010

(Ex-Husband) Bachelorette

Jen Henderson commented on my blog regarding a post I had written that mentioned the Bachelor. She directed me to her post on the dream of being the next Bachelorette. I decided to write through the character of Keith whom she mentions as being a potential love interest. 


Jen’s perspective:

Opening Scene

Me silhouetted on a sunlit beach. I'm jogging and stopping every few feet because when I jog I start to pee. My swimsuit is a black one piece from Lane Bryant and skirted to hide my thighs and hips. Off camera the producer is dangling a meatball sandwich so that I'll run towards the camera.

Voice Over from Chris Harrison

"Jennifer Henderson may not be our typical Bachelorette but America has fallen in love with this 33 year old stay at home mother of two. One woman and 25 men who are all at least 10 years her junior will attempt to find love in this season's most dramatic quest for love yet".

Now me blending into her story:

First Scene: Cocktail Party

My name is Keith. I’m a high fiving white guy who drinks too much. I saw Jen on last season’s Bachelor and felt rather sorry for her. At the time she was pregnant and looked rather…..round. I happen to have a thing (fetish) for women who are pregnant and desperate. She reminded me a lot of my mom who preferred I called her by her first name in public so other men wouldn’t think she had kids. Then it happened. She walked through the French doors with her newborn. I applaud her because everyone else is and because I am nervous to finally see her. “Man she has guts” I think to myself. I need to show interest in the baby to get further on the show.

I interrupt some guy (Jack) who asked when she was going to, “Loose the baby fat”. I felt confident in my interruption because I know she is not interested in a guy who wants her to be someone else. All I want is her. I hand her a blended drink and say, "Can I steal you away?" and she said “yes”. I looked over my shoulder to see Jack flip me off. I didn’t care. Y’know why? Because I’m not here to impress these idiots. I’m here for Jen.

We walked to the dimly lit pool area and she decides to start nursing the baby. I am both repulsed and slightly intrigued. For a second I wonder what it would be like to be the baby but shake myself out of it. “You are a dirty son of a bi*ch Keith” I say to myself. Then the dandruff shampoo line came to me. You only have one chance to make a great first impression. I decide this is the perfect time to embarrass myself in front of her. Maybe I can gain a sympathy vote. In the middle of the song I wish I had brushed up on my 6th grade clarinet skills. After the lullaby I panic and say, "I know I just met you but I feel this connection to you. I hope I will get a rose tonight; I want to share my life with you and will be suicidal if you let me go tonight". I felt better because this was the way I kept my last girlfriend for another 4 or 5 months. I also felt as if I had “left it all out there” and gave it my best shot. She was desperate on the last show so I thought she would understand that we were the same.

She put her breast away and handed me the baby. I was immediately nervous and held that tiny, innocent, tender, soft, well fed, and wide eyed doe in my arms. After holding Jen I felt better and took the baby. Off she went to flirt with other men. “Don’t worry little one.” I said. “She’s coming back.” But she didn’t come back. Whenever I tried to find her the other guys told me she was making out with some other dude. I justified it in my mind, “I guess she has some seeds to sow. Maybe she is not as confident in herself since she was used and thrown away by the last Bachelor. Maybe it’s nice to receive this extra attention.”

“She pawned off her baby on ya huh?” Jack said.

“She didn’t pawn the baby off on me. When she handed me the baby I knew she was putting her trust in me. She was letting me know that she felt a connection between us...she felt the spark too. She was essentially handing me her heart.”

Scene 3: The Rose Ceremony

Chris walks in and stands next to her. Chris is so awesome. “Gentlemen, this is the final rose. Jen, when you're ready.”

She is standing holding the final rose. Her toddler is clinging to her leg and I’m still holding this parasite.

She said "Jack." with a bittersweet smile. Jack walked forward, "Jack, will you accept this rose?" "You know it" he replies. He turns around and gives me an upward nod.

Chris walks in and stands next to her again. I hate Chris. "Gentlemen, if you did not receive a rose tonight please come say your goodbyes".

I walk towards her with tears running down my cheeks. I hand the leech to her. "I hope you rot in hell.”

She smiles and kissed me on the cheek. “Who are you, Judas?” I say.

As I walked away a large noise is heard and a guy storms through the doors. He said, "What the hell are all of you doing? Jen, why are the kids still up?”

“So this is the father, eh?” Jen started to cry. “Good luck with that one”. I scream.

“Dammit Jen, somebody better tell me what's going on here".

“Hmmmm…. I happen to have a thing (fetish) for men who are jealous and angry.”


  1. I wouldn't actually call it a "dream". This is just how I saw it going down if I were the Bachelorette.

    ABC could never afford me.

  2. Jen,

    Maybe they could have a show called Everyone Loves Jen. Would that be your dream?

  3. Yes.

    Ray Romano would play my TV husband.

    Now you're thinking.

  4. Hahhaa you always make me laugh. I would definitely watch this.

    "For a second I wonder what it would be like to be the baby but shake myself out of it. 'You are a dirty son of a bi*ch Keith' I say to myself." -- If only such trite entertainment was really this honest. Instead the bachelors masquerade as gentlemen.

  5. Very true loveable. Very true.