Thursday, May 6, 2010

(Husband/Man) Testicle Surgery

I watched a vasectomy video today and it was quite interesting. The first shot is of a 30 something man in a green polo shirt tucked into his khaki shorts that is approximately 6 inches long and are pulled up to his navel exposing his pasty white thighs. He is barbequing for his wife and two children who happen to be swimming politely in the pool and having just the best darn time a family could imagine. There is no splashing in the pool which leaves his wife’s hair perfectly puffed and wavy.

I have never been a guy who has seen having a vasectomy equaling a loss of my manhood (literally). My dad had one and shrugged it off as just something you have to do. I grew up expecting I would have a couple of kids and that would be the end of it. So when guys would say they would never get a vasectomy I would become confused. The video answered some of those questions.

The man and wife sit, rather uncomfortably, in their chairs facing their doctor who is behind his desk.

Man: Doctor, will having a vasectomy change the way I perform……….sexually?

Translation: Are you going to cut off my penis? If not, then will the surgery make my penis shorter? Will I ever have another orgasm? Will I ejaculate prematurely? Wait, that may not be a bad excuse for future episodes.

Man: Will the procedure be painful?

Translation: Will there be a buzz saw involved? Will you laugh after I pull my pants down or snicker if I were to get an erection? Will there be further embarrassment by allowing 10 medical students to watch. Will you get enough sleep the night before? Are you an epileptic? How much more would it cost for laughing gas?

Man: How about recovery time and any complications that occur after I leave?

Translation: How soon can I have sex? Can you write my work a note saying I have to be out at least a week? Is there a chance my testicles could fall out of the incisions? Would genital massage help speed up recovery?

Man: What is on this form you want me to sign?

Translation: Does this take away my right to sue the living sh—out of you if something were to go wrong?

In case you are wondering, everything turned out great. Some Advil, a bag of ice, and a couple of days later they were barbequing just like old times. I had to wonder though, if this HMO earns billions of dollars a year why can’t they make a video from this decade or hire actors who don’t choke on their lines?

I told Daisy that although I was fine with the procedure I was still a little nervous. Essentially, she said to suck it up. Defensively I said, “If someone was poking around your genitalia you would be nervous too. Silence. “Uh Oh”.

“Yeah, you’re right. Spending 25 hours in labor while pushing your first born’s watermelon head out of my vagina made me a little nervous. Let alone the stitches from the tearing and wearing a diaper for the next 3 days to hold all of the blood flowing out of me. Oh yeah, did I forget to mention the nervousness I felt when Beast would bite down on my niplles so hard I lost my breath?” Silence.

“Well………you were still nervous.” At that point I was glad we were speaking on the phone.


  1. OMG, this is hysterical! I'm tweeting a link to this right now.


  2. LOL! When my hubs got the big snip he didn't complain one iota. After watching me give birth to our two children (24 & 28 hours of labor, respectively) he apparently didn't feel the inclination. Smart man. ;)

  3. Thanks for the comments. I'm sure I will more to say after it over 6/25/10 @ 8:30. Gonna get a muscle relaxer.