(Grandson/Son/Brother/Uncle/Nephew/Cousin) Birthday

Do you have two sets of friends?  Like office friends and High School friends who have never met each other and probably never will?  Perhaps they have and they separate into little enclaves at parties.  They have different dynamics and two different cultures take time to mesh.  Well, I have different relationships with different members of my extended family and prefer they stay separate.  But family members don't always have the luxury of staying separate for very long.  And so it happened...........

My nephew was exercising his cooking skills for my grandmother's 84th birthday party.  My sister asked me to go and, because I love my nephew very much, I went.  Without Daisy.


Update:  Daisy said my post was, "Too Harsh" for human consumption.  These paragraphs have been edited for the safety of all who would choose to read it. 


If you have made it this far I commend you for listening to my rant.  Believe me, I'm quite sure I play as big of a part in this soap opera as anyone else.  Does anybody else have weird dynamics in their families?  Is there any way to change them to be more healthy?  A mentor of mine would you say you only have the power to change yourself for the better but that sounds too difficult.

(Father) If your happy then I'm happy

Look at this happy family.  Aren't they having the time of their lives?  They looked well rested, joyful, and well nourished with their only concern being what ride to go on next.

It brings to mind a frustration I have.  I want my kids to act happy even if they aren't.  Adults are great at this.   

I give Daisy a gift, she opens it, and then looks at me like I'm a 2nd grader trying to perform differential calculus (sadness but with appreciation for effort).  She then composes herself, smiles at my gift, and then states how pretty it is.  Everyone is happy

I want my kids to be happy so I decide to take them swimming.  Found an example of a list of things to bring on-line.

•Deodorant

•Baby Powder for extra help getting dry and to prevent a swim cap from sticking together

•Shampoo/Conditioner if showering at the swimming pool

•Soap/Shower Gel if showering at the swimming pool

•Hair Brush/Comb

•Towel

•Flip-flops or similar footwear for around the pool and/or showering areas

•Wet Bag, which can be a plastic bag or a fabric bag with a waterproof internal lining, as long as it keeps the rest of the items dry from the wet swimming costume

•A small change wallet with membership card, locker money and some reserve money for emergencies.

Other items that may be included in a swim bag:

•Make-up

•Perfume/Cologne

•Facial Wipes

•Bottle of Water

•Goggles/Swim Cap.

Instead of joy, they refuse to get in because it is too cold and their swim instructor looks like a monster, Darth Vader, or our pediatrician with an immunization shot in hand.  After all the screaming, wailing and crying I decided it was time for me to calm down.  The kids look a little embarrassed at my actions but I spent so much time trying to lead these horses to water only to have it backfire.  They could have at least acted like they appreciated what I was trying to do.  I'm telling you, if I spent that much time for a picnic lunch with Daisy I could guarantee a few more years of matrimonial bliss. 

For better or worse, kids will tell you exactly what they think and will act according to how they feel.  Case in point, Beast pointed at a man's belly the other day and told him it was "big and silly".  Why can't they just lie like everyone else?  Act happy, it's not all that hard once you practice it a few times.

The giggling, laughing, and joyful screaming are all I want to hear no matter what.  They need to get along with other kid's at the park, like the food I bring, and have the time of their lives.  Even if it isn't true.    I'll sit back on the bench I'm sitting on and smile while all the parents tell me what great kids I have.  And when all of that anger comes out 20 years later they will then be in a position to pay for therapy themselves.

(Father) Lobster Fire

Some of you may already know we lived in Maine a few years ago.  Fire was born there so we honored him, soon after birth, with a very special friend who was about the same size.

Soon after we actually made him a lobster for Halloween.

We then passed on the lobster outfit to my niece who will wear it proudly for this year's trick or treating expedition.  It went from good.....

To bad in a matter of moments.  Isn't dress up fun?

Anyway, may the good Lord bless you with more candy than you will ever need (or want for that matter).

(Husband) Amazing Race, How Sweet the Sound



Back in 2003 Daisy and I printed off an application for the Amazing Race but never filled it out.  I had always regretted not doing it so a year ago we sat down and finally completed one.  I got a sinking feeling when I realized my answers to the questions were probably not what they wanted.  As you can imagine, they had a question measuring how volatile our relationship is.  Daisy and I have a vanilla tasting relationship but I tried to make it sound as if we tasted like Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey.  The application was done so all we needed was the video.

I looked on line and found videos of people who had actually been flown to LA for another interview.  They didn't seem all that special or funny so I was encouraged.  It took A LOT longer than I thought but after a few days of filming and another few days of editing, with music added, we had a pretty decent product. 

I would like to show it to you but am not sure if there would be that much interest.  Essentially, Daisy tackles me and we wrestle for a while...........naked.  Then we go out and play soccer with AC/DC playing in the background.................naked.  Then we make out to show our crazy passion...........fully clothed. 

We didn't hear back.  I wasn't terribly surprised but, admittedly, had just a sliver of hope for a trip to LA.  A friend of a friend said we weren't interesting enough and I got mad.  But let me tell ya, after seeing the couples on that show right now, we didn't stand a chance.  Nor would we ever.  But it was sure fun flinging ourselves off of bridges into water...............naked. 

When we die, and while our corpses are still warm, our kids will be rummaging through the attic for things to fight over.  I will place this video in a strategic place, covered with a hundred dollar bill, and ask that they play it at our funeral.  Everyone will laugh and think we were so zany and fun.  But the kicker will be that we will have also reenacted all of the same scenes at the ripe old age of 85.  Then we will see who stays in the room.  Our lawyer will write down the names of those people and split up our money among them.  Y'know why?  Because those will have been our true friends. 

Before you ask to see the video because of the nudity I have to warn you, we weren't naked.  Originally that is what I had planned but Daisy thought better of it.  Probably cost us a million dollars.

(Father) Sick

The sick season is upon us.  Daisy has been the only person within our immediate family who has avoided whatever the hell is giving me a headache at this moment.  A few statements on health:

1)  There are very few things I hate more than my kids being sick.  My heart becomes especially torn when I hear them coughing at night and I have done everything I can for them.  My children are as crazy as peach orchard boars, which becomes incredibly tiresome, but I would rather have them wild than laying on my shoulder with a temperature.  Because if they are laying on my shoulder there is something terribly wrong.

2)  I, and many others, expect to maintain our current level of productivity despite our sickness.  I wonder why I am grumpy when it is perfectly clear my body is not well.  I am short with my kids and co-workers and consider it a character flaw rather than gaining insight into the context of my life.

3)  Hypocrisy.  You go into the doctor for a cold and they do an "add-on" that makes you never want to visit the doctor again.  Have you ever been told to lose weight from a physician who has clearly had one to many cheeseburgers?  Have you ever been told to quit smoking from a physician who has tobacco on their breath? 

4)  The zealots on the other side aren't any better.

Doctor: "You should lose weight"

Patient:  "You don't have an ass."

Doctor:  "I'm a marathon runner"

Patient:  "I hope you drop dead on your next jog"

Anyway, I toast to your good health because it is easy to take for granted.  

(Husband) Why are you with me?

When I was an insecure teenager I once a asked a friend, who was a girl, if I was attractive. 

"Ummm.....what do you mean?"

Bad sign, I thought.  I decided to make it easy.  "Like on a scale of 1 to 10."

"I don't know.  How about a 7?"  It sounded as if she hoped I would be satisfied with the answer so we could talk about something else.  I'm sure she was worried the next question would be asking her to the prom. 

At first I interpreted 7 to mean "Barely Palatable" but later had to realize I had attained a solid grade of C.  And you know what?  That's passing.  With a little extra charm, extra muscle, and a nice car I might even work myself up to an 8.  And 8 is awesome!  Now the girls are beginning to take notice. 

When I look at Daisy I see a beautiful woman and think, "I might be of equal attractiveness".  Then I think of the picture above and become frightened.

"Are you with me because of my money?" I say. 

"I hate to say this honey but we just got off of government assistance"

"Is it because of my prestige as a doctor?"

"Well, your not really a doctor per say.  Y'know, like medically speaking."

"Is it because I am the father of your children."

"I'm not entirely sure you are sweetie."

"Then what is it?"

She pinches one of my cheeks, vigorously shakes it from side to side, and says, "Because your so darn cute."

The 14 yr old Goose would have taken that in a heartbeat.  I think I will too.

(Son/Brother) Coordination

Tattooed roller derby woman w/ Fire 2 yrs ago

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.  Part of it was Beast woke me up in such a whiney tone I wanted the scratch my ears off.  I also felt sick (not self inflicted).

The phone rang and it was my sister.  I asked her to call me back because I was breaking up another useless argument between my boys.  I can't even remember what it was but I'm sure, in their minds, it was as important as creating jobs and cutting taxes.

Let's call my sister "tattooed roller derby woman" because that is who she is.  She reminds me mom's b-day is tomorrow and we should do something.  Y'know, being it's her 60th and everything. 

Let me stop here and say something.  Coordinating activities that include humans is as attractive to me as sucking on a hot cattle prod for five minutes.  An example:

Where should we eat?  Jenny is allergic to bread, Dave doesn't like sitting down when he eats, Nancy gags at the smell of cooking onions.

What time should we meet?  Jenny doesn't get off until 5:00 pm, Dave likes to go home and take a half hour bubble bath at exactly 6:00 pm, the only time Nancy has to meet is between 2:30pm and 2:35pm.

You get the idea.  However, the wonderful thing about having a guest of honor is that they get to make the choices and everyone lives with it.

Well, mom doesn't return calls, e-mails, texts, or smoke signals.  I called an all out frontal attack where we not only contacted her through every means of communication but also through her boyfriend which would include (picture emphatic fist pumping) a work phone number.  So here is the thing.  What if the guest of honor doesn't want to be honored?

After both of us had tried for a half an hour we were starting to give up hope.  Then tattooed roller derby woman said, "I still have a phone number we haven't tried.  It's an old phone number but it just might work."

I called it and heard a, "Hello?".

I was shocked and stuttered, "mom?".

"Yeah.  It's been a while"

I made it simple.  "Can tattooed roller derby woman and I come over to your house tomorrow to wish you a happy b-day?  You pick a time and we will be there."

"Well, I'm not really sure if...............excuse, excuse, excuse....."

"I'll bring Gin."

"Be here at 8:00 am.  Sharp!" 

Life lesson on coordination?  Know your audience.