Saturday, July 2, 2011

(Father) Sperm Deposit

After a vasectomy you need to make a deposit of semen in order to see if you have unwanted swimmers.  The man must ejaculate about 20 times before going in to make a deposit so as to "clean the pipes".  The sperm that may be clinging to the edges for dear life.  For Daisy and I it has taken about 3 years and half of those were on my own.  Just kidding.  Or am I?

Anyway, I went in the first time with my deposit in hand, gave it to the woman, and promptly scurried away.  I'm not even sure if I told her who I was or what was in the bag.  Perhaps she called the bomb squad.  Evidently they took it anyway and ran the numbers.  The results said 4 and I needed to be a zero.  Needed to have another 20.  I went in the 2nd time and became a little more loose about the situation.  I needed a blood test anyway so I asked for the cup from the lab tech.  However, I did say, "I'll just run home and be back."  Like masturbating at home is a much more gentlemanly thing to do.  I went into the bathroom and came back with deposit in hand.  "You must live close by" he said with a smirk.  My results said 2 so I was headed in the right direction. 

I went in a couple of days ago for another blood and semen deposit and simply said, "I'll be right back."  As he was taking the needle out of my arm he said, "We have changed policy and you will have to take another number in order to hand us the bag."  Bummer.  I had waited 25 minutes just to get a blood draw.  Now I'm going to sit with semen in my lap reading Marie Claire for another 25?  I don't think so.  So as I head to the bathroom I grab a number.  I was 3 away so I had to be fast.  I'm not 17 yrs old anymore so erections don't come (no pun intended) as fast as they used to.  But I made it back just as they called my number.  Victory!  I handed the bag over to a different guy who asks me to come around the corner.  As if it was a drug deal and we had to be stealth about the exchange. 

"Who ordered this?"

"I imagine it was the doctor who did the vasectomy."

"Do you know his name?"

"No.  I only met him once"  (inside head) And he didn't give me flowers.

"Where did you get the procedure done?"

"Some hospital in Portland."  (inside head) Is he questioning if I actually had it done in the first place?  Maybe I should tell him it was a back alley and seem utterly shocked when he says that behavior was not appropriate. 

"Well we don't have an order in place."

"Uhhhh....."  I didn't know what to say.  (inside head)  Does he think I'm lying?

"I'm going to have to call someone."

"Uhhhh....."  (inside head) Call who?  The police?  Is this criminal to make a semen deposit if you don't have an order to do so?"  Does he seriously think I'm doing this for fun?!?

"I have had this done twice already.  I guess I have stubborn swimmers."  No response.  His back is to me, mumbling, and looks back.  (inside head) Does he think I'm going to escape?  Do I have reason to?  Crap!  They have my DNA.  I'm stuck.  Maybe I should call Daisy.  He hangs up.

"That doctor no longer works for us."  We stare at each other.  (inside head) Was he a quack?  Was he fired for not doing procedures well enough?  Am I going to have to do this god awful surgery again? 

"I'm going to call someone else."  (inside head) Why can't this guy make the order?  Why can't I?  What if I just wanted a sperm count for no other reason than to see what it was?  So what?  If I was that crazy why would I have kept it in the brown paper bag?  I would want to show it off for everyone to see.  I would have said in a loud voice, "I would like to deposit my semen!"  Made jokes about what it was like to masturbate in their bathroom down the hall and not have it be a big deal if they couldn't find an order because, for one, there isn't an order.  And two, my jollies have already run their course.  Unless part of my jollies include arguing about my semen deposit.  But excitement doesn't come from shamefully sitting in the corner pretending to text people and that is exactly what I was doing.  I wanted to ask if I could get my one free phone call and what the bail might be. 

"We were able to get another order."  He said.  I walked toward the waiting room without saying anything.  And I thought the worst part was the procedure itself. 

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