Sunday, June 19, 2011

(Father) The Fear of Fire

My second born son is a fire that rages through our house and burns up any energy my wife and I might have.  The most simple request can turn into World War III.  Tonight it was washing his hands after going to the bathroom.

"Did you wash your hands?"


"Why don't you go do that and then you can eat your apple."

"AAWWWWW!!!!!" as he falls onto the floor like I just stabbed him the gut with a kitchen knife.

"When you wash your hands you can have your apple."

"I'm not going to DO IT!" as he folds his arms and gives me the low brow and fuzzy eyeball. 

"That's fine"  He runs into the bathroom and tries to shove Beast off the toilet as Beast is trying to go poop.

Beast yells.  "Daaadddd!!!"

"Fire!  What are you doing?" I grab him and put him in his room.  "Stay there and I will come get you in 5 minutes."  He comes out.  "OK.  I'll give you a choice. You can apologize to your brother, wash your hands, stay in your room, or go to the time-out chair."  He lays on the ground.  "I'll give you 5 seconds to decide and if you don't I will decide for you.  Five........Four..............Threeeeee...............................TWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOO.....................
..................................................OOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEE.  OK that's it.  You are going to the Time-out chair."

"AAAAAWWWWW"  Falls down. I pick him up and take him to the chair.  He gets up and I put him back.  This can sometimes go on for a couple of minutes.  Daisy comes in and sees what is happening. 

She states, "If you can't stay you won't get an apple"

"I already threatened him with that" I say.

"Oh." Fire gets up again.

"OK. No apple" She states.

"AAAAAWWWWW"  Falls down.

"I'm taking you to your room." Daisy replies.

"Daisy wait."  I say.

Daisy firmly orders, "You stay there until I come get you."  Fire stays for 10 seconds.  Door opens.

A little voice asks, "Can I wash my hands?"

"Yes you can wash your hands."  Daisy says.  He runs into the next room.  Faucet on.  Faucet off.

"Now can I have my apple?"

"No" I say.

"AAAAWWWW" Falls on the floor.

"We are going to have pizza for dinner."

"I want pizza!!"  I hear Beast from the bathroom.

"Finish pooping"  I yell back.

Fire pops up from the ground and runs to the dinner table where a slice is waiting.  "I want water mom."

"I'll get it for you"  I say.


"Well now you are talking to me!"  I say with raised voice.


Daisy sighs, "I'll get it for him."

"NO!  We can't give in."  I snap.

"Fine." She pours the water and hands it to me.

"You just poured it for him." I say with contempt.

"But you are going to be the one who gives it to him." she says exasperated.  We stare at each other.  "Do you want me to throw it out?" as she stands with the cup over the sink.

"Fine."  I turn to Fire.  "Can you ask daddy in a nice voice?"

"Please dad?"  I take the water from Daisy and hand it to him.  I turned to Daisy.

"I'm glad supernanny wasn't here to see that because we just royally f'd up that discipline process."

"Fire just stuck pepperoni up his nose." She whispers. 

"Let's pretend we didn't see it." I say.


"I'm really tired.  I don't think I have any more energy."  I hang my head in shame.

"I don't either."  with chin quivering.  Beast walks in.

"Did you wash your hands?"  I ask.

"Ooops.  I forgot"  He runs to the kitchen sink.

"Can you use the bathroom sink instead?"  Daisy asks.

"OK." as he turns the other direction.

"Did you see that?"  I ask Daisy.

"What?" She replies.

"You could see the golden ring sparkle above his head as he turned the corner."

"Yes.  I have seen it before.  Fire just spit out some cheese on the table."  as she frowns in disgust.

"The sunset is really pretty tonight." I reply.  Ignoring the comment.

"Yes.  Yes Goose.  It sure is pretty."

"I love you Daisy." 

"I love you too.  Fire just threw crust at your head."

"I know."

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