Wednesday, April 27, 2011

(Husband/Father) Bathmophobia

The title is the phobia related to a fear of steep slopes.  I have that.  I didn't know it until last Saturday but I definitely have it.  Heights is not a problem because I'm on something that is relatively stable.  Roofs are a different matter.  I climbed on the ladder and stood at the very top where it reads, "Do Not Use This As A Step".  Then, with moss removal powder in my hand, I worked up the courage to climb on my roof.  But not enough courage.  So I set the container into the gutter and attempted again.  "Where are you courage?"  Then I grasped onto something that was attached to the roof.  I don't know.  Some sort of small chimney stack sort of deal.  Big sigh.  "C'mon courage c'mon".  My feet felt like they were stuck in dried concrete.  Then I thought, "Maybe this smoke stack thingy won't hold my weight.  That would suck.  That would suck really bad."  So I got off the ladder.

The instructions on the container states the powder is to be applied on top of the crest of the roof so that when the rain comes it can take the powder down with it and kill the moss.  So it is important to get it on your roof when the rain is going to pour in the next day or so.  Otherwise it doesn't have the effect you want and wasn't worth the time or money.  Or my life for that matter.  So I look up and see a dark rain cloud about to roll in.  Just far enough away to where I had about twenty minutes.  This was my inspiration!  I get back on the ladder.  Here it comes.  I can feel the courage mounting.  Mounting?  Sure, why not.  Just when I thought it would come it vanished.  Am I still talking about courage?  I'm getting confused.

I addressed myself by first name and then proceeded to go on a cursing tirade.  All it did was make me mad at the person cursing at me.  Which was me.  Which made me even more angry.  So I went inside and asked Daisy to come outside and curse at me instead.  "It's not that hard!" she yelled.  I swear on all things holy I'm not trying to make this sexual.  It's taking a life of it's own.  "Faster! Don't disappoint me!"  OK. That was on purpose.  I started to argue back, "This is really steep!  I'd like to see you try it!" 

"Your the one who told me to tell you your a Nancy girl" Daisy said.  My last idea was to have the children come outside and weep yelling, "I'm embarrassed to have you as a father!"  Can you tell shame is a big motivator for me?  It helped me through grad school.

Well, we never got to that point because the neighbors brought out a Dora pinata to beat with a stick and invited us over.  Dora was decapitated so it brought a slice of happiness into my life.  But that roof.  That roof is baiting me every time I pull up to our drive way.  "Scared huh?" the roof said today.

"Leave me alone roof"

"Am I too steep?  Is that it?"

"Shut up!"

"You shut up!"

"No you shut up!" 

Then the moss chimed in with their opinion and it went from there.  Just in case you are curious I will get on the roof.  Even if it kills me.  And that is a very strong possibility.

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