(Father) Deathly Wishes

A few days ago I was shifting my weight toward my right side and had moved my right butt cheek down about two inches when I heard, "dad?" behind me.  I turned around to see Beast in the doorway. 

"What?" I said

"What are you doing?"

"I was about to sit down at the computer to write a blog entry.  Thousands of people depend on me to provide them with up to date information on my incredibly interesting life."  Actually, that is not what I said.  Too much information begets too many questions and I'll be damned if I am going to have my son exercise his curiosity muscle.  Along with questions comes my effort toward teaching him things and I can't have that either.  We pay school teachers for those kinds of things.  Besides, the, "thousands of people" part would have been a lie and we don't encourage that type of behavior.  We don't discourage it.  We just don't encourage it.  Like my dad used to say, "the world's got teeth".  That means you have to lie and manipulate people in order to get what you want and I want Beast on the cutting edge of this cut throat world without saying that at any point I encouraged such a thing.  That was a big 'ol fatty tangent.  Onward.

So I say something like, "I was going to get on the computer".  Let me fill you in on a little something regarding Beast's question.  One, if I am doing something that is more fun then what he is doing he will want to be a part of it.  Two, if it is not something he wants to do he will ask me to be part of the fun he is involved in.  He chose part two and it happened to be coloring a picture.

The way he asks is painful for me to watch and be a part of.  My expectation and desire is to write a blog.  It's fun and something I had tried to find time to do.  His expectation and desire is for me to color with him.  It is fun and was something he did not try to find time for us to do.  But he asks as if we had been planning on it for a long time and that he has gotten his hopes up.  Like our coloring a picture together has been on his mind right before sleep for the last week.  The hopeful anticipation on his face as if my answer held his little world in its orbital flow in space and time.

So I said yes.  I even went further to say, "You are more important than my blog."  This is where the applause sign come on and everybody turns to each other with a nod saying, "he made the right choice."  But does it matter that what I said was the opposite of what I felt?  In fact, I had to say it several times in order to convince myself of its truth.  Beast even gave me a look as if to say, "Enough already". 

After a half hour of play I said I needed to wake Fire from his nap so we could get on with the day.  Beast looked crushed and said, "But we didn't get to play anything.  No fair."  So I said, "NO FAIR?!?!  My coloring this picture was no fair because it sucked!!!"  So was my time a waste?  You bet it was.  Unless somebody realizes your sacrifice, and thanks you for it, consider the effort  pure garbage.  That is why I remind Daisy of my sacrifices on a daily basis.

"Hey Daze.  Did you see what I did just then?"

"What?"   

"I put my dirty dish in the sink."

"Um.  wow."

"You're welcome."

In a quick instant I will tell you what my blog was going to be about.  Beast and I were playing legos one morning when he said,

"Hey dad.  Notorious (cousin) and I were talking about how we wish we could die and go to heaven and then ask God for whatever we wanted and then live in a cabin in the woods and have new parents."

"Oh."

A couple of minutes later he said, "Maybe you can come too."

"Thanks"  With that kind of compliment I didn't think anymore needed to be said.