Daisy and I like to play a little game called, “If you died” with a lightly seasoned, “If I died”. I am sharing this because I find a great deal of pleasure in improving other’s relationships with one another. Feel free to play this game with those closest to you. Let me give you an example.
Goose: If you died I would drink myself to death out of great sorrow.
Daisy: That’s very sweet but who would take care of the kids?
Goose: I don’t know. Your parents? An orphanage? I would be in too much pain to take care of them.
Daisy: You would have to pull yourself together.
Goose: How about if I never talk to the kids about you? How about if I marry someone within a month of your death? How’s that for pulling myself together? Hey listen, if I died you wouldn’t get anything because you are not in my will.
Daisy: Oh boy. And loose out on 100 bucks. Whatever should I do?
Goose: If you died you would never be able to marry again.
Daisy: Why not?
Goose: Because you have baggage.
Daisy: What are you talking about?
Goose: The kids.
Daisy: They are not baggage! If you are going to die I hope it is soon because I am more than capable of going out and wrangling up myself a man.
Goose: Not as good as me though.
Daisy: (Sigh) You’re right.
Goose: Really?
Daisy: Really.
Goose: I love you
Daisy: I love you too.
Do you see how it all works? It brings people closer together. Liven up your next family gathering with a little “If you died” and see how it goes.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Monday, June 28, 2010
(Father) Backyard Fun
When we moved into our duplex 2 years ago Daisy and I inherited a small strawberry patch. This year is a bumper crop so I have been out picking with the boys who enjoy a good snack along the way. That is until Fire had a few bowel explosions we then traced back to berry picking days. Now they watch and ask if certain berries are ready. Needless to say the strawberries and I have become very close. I talk to each one like they were my own child. I have them all named and encourage their threesomes in every way possible. Threesomes are what I look forward to and live by. Physical, spiritual, and emotional well being. I think this is a heartwarming story you all will enjoy.
I approach the patch and before I can say howdy howdy howdy one of them yells, “Goose is here!” A loud cheer rises up from the berries. The leaves fold away to expose all of their cheery faces. A couple of the brownnosers (Tom and Steve) are already raising their stubby little hands saying, “Pick me Goose! Pick me!”
“Slow down there fellas. You still have a little white on your backside.”
“Ah Man” they groan.
“Don’t worry boys. You know what I always say……..”
Everybody then chanted in unison, “Tomorrow is a whole new day.”
“That’s right!” I said giving a swing of my arm.
As I began picking we all sang a strawberry song that goes something this:
I pick them plump and I pick them fresh
I get them red ‘cause they are the best
When it comes to………….Holy Sh*t!! Fire! Put Nancy down! I said put her down, NOW. #SQUISH# Oh for all that is holy!
Fire had decided he did not like Nancy’s singing voice, the song itself was boring, or she looked good enough to eat. I must have caught him by surprise and so he reacted instinctively by……..well……y’know.
I tried to rouse the strawberries into another song but they were hesitant. Then I said those magic words, “C’mon guys. Tomorrow is a whole new day.” And before you know it we were in full swing. Nancy didn’t really have many friends anyway. Although it was still disturbing to see her splattered on Fire’s shirt. Suddenly I heard crying and asked everyone to stop. I bent down to see little Timmy crying. “Timmy, what’s wrong?”
“Nothin’ Goose”
“Timmy, you have to tell me” Timmy turned and I could see a hole in the side of his head. Everyone gasped, including me. “Timmy, who did this to you?”
“I don’t want to get anyone in trouble.”
“You won’t Timmy. I swear.”
“Cross my heart and hope to die. Stick a thousand needles in my eye.” I winked at little Timmy and he smiled. Timmy looked down and became serious again.
“The ants”
“I knew it” as I turned my head to look at the ant pile by the shrub. “I should never have trusted them.”
“You said it wouldn’t get anyone in trouble.” I turned back to look at Timmy. My voice became demonized.
“I lied”
I ran into the house and boiled water in the tea kettle. When the whistle blew I was out the door with kettle hand. I heard a distant, “Hey, here comes Goose to give us some chocolate.”
“That’s not a silver wrapper Johnny. RUN!!” I poured the hot water on the pile just to give a warning shot across the bow (except my warning shot killed half the ants. Ooops).
“Who hurt Timmy?!? Who did it?” Nobody said a word. “Charlie, please tell me the truth.”
“It was the slugs.”
“Why would Timmy lie?”
“You haven’t seen him chumming up to them? They wanted him to become part of the gang but he said no. They roughed him up for betraying them. Still feels loyalty toward them though.”
“That’s not true. I’ve talked to the slugs and they said they would never do that to the strawberries.”
“Are you stupid Goose? Everyone in this backyard is out for themselves. Everyone.”
“You aren’t being very nice”
“Oh yeah, were tired of singing that ant song too”
“Careful Charlie.” I raised the kettle.
“Go ahead Goose. You don’t have the balls.” One of the other ants (Amos) screamed, “Charlie, the Vasectomy.”
“AAAAAUUUUUGGGGGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!” I poured the boiling water out and began laughing as I heard the screams. “Nobody makes fun of Goose.” “Nobody!” After the kettle was empty, the screams had turned to groans, and my heart rate returned to normal, I fell to my knees and asked God for forgiveness. But something had already snapped inside of my brain.
“What happened here?” I turned and saw Owen the slug and his band of brothers. “Goose, are…..you….ok?” He turned to look at his tribe to confirm he wasn’t the only one to see my ashen, and sweaty, face.”
“I gotta surprise for you.” I said as I stumbled into the house.
“It looks like Goose has sugar for us.”
Rose the slug said, “That’s not sugar Owen! Run!”
Owen said, “We can’t run you idiot.”
“Hide.”
“Where?”
“Pray”
“To who?”
By that time I had reached them. “Would you like salt with that?” At the end of 15 seconds the mountain of salt was all that was left.
“Daddy?..............Daddy?” I looked up to see Beast standing over me. “Fire’s full.” I look over to see fire put the last strawberry into his mouth. He had eaten them all. Even the white ones. Then I had a moment of clarity. I pulled both my boys to my breast.
“Let me let you in on a little secret guys.”
“What’s that dad?”
“You are more important than anything in my life”
“Even the strawberries?”
“Well, Fire made sure of that didn’t he? Now who wants chocolate milk?” Everyone shrieked for joy, including me. As they ran into the house I couldn’t help but remember the tragedy that had just happened minutes ago. I stretched and soaked in the sunshine for a second or two. I breathed in a breath of fresh air and chuckled, “With friends like me who needs enemies?” I turned back and gave all of them the middle finger before heading into the house where everyone was happy to see me.
The End
I approach the patch and before I can say howdy howdy howdy one of them yells, “Goose is here!” A loud cheer rises up from the berries. The leaves fold away to expose all of their cheery faces. A couple of the brownnosers (Tom and Steve) are already raising their stubby little hands saying, “Pick me Goose! Pick me!”
“Slow down there fellas. You still have a little white on your backside.”
“Ah Man” they groan.
“Don’t worry boys. You know what I always say……..”
Everybody then chanted in unison, “Tomorrow is a whole new day.”
“That’s right!” I said giving a swing of my arm.
As I began picking we all sang a strawberry song that goes something this:
I pick them plump and I pick them fresh
I get them red ‘cause they are the best
When it comes to………….Holy Sh*t!! Fire! Put Nancy down! I said put her down, NOW. #SQUISH# Oh for all that is holy!
Fire had decided he did not like Nancy’s singing voice, the song itself was boring, or she looked good enough to eat. I must have caught him by surprise and so he reacted instinctively by……..well……y’know.
I tried to rouse the strawberries into another song but they were hesitant. Then I said those magic words, “C’mon guys. Tomorrow is a whole new day.” And before you know it we were in full swing. Nancy didn’t really have many friends anyway. Although it was still disturbing to see her splattered on Fire’s shirt. Suddenly I heard crying and asked everyone to stop. I bent down to see little Timmy crying. “Timmy, what’s wrong?”
“Nothin’ Goose”
“Timmy, you have to tell me” Timmy turned and I could see a hole in the side of his head. Everyone gasped, including me. “Timmy, who did this to you?”
“I don’t want to get anyone in trouble.”
“You won’t Timmy. I swear.”
“Cross my heart and hope to die. Stick a thousand needles in my eye.” I winked at little Timmy and he smiled. Timmy looked down and became serious again.
“The ants”
“I knew it” as I turned my head to look at the ant pile by the shrub. “I should never have trusted them.”
“You said it wouldn’t get anyone in trouble.” I turned back to look at Timmy. My voice became demonized.
“I lied”
I ran into the house and boiled water in the tea kettle. When the whistle blew I was out the door with kettle hand. I heard a distant, “Hey, here comes Goose to give us some chocolate.”
“That’s not a silver wrapper Johnny. RUN!!” I poured the hot water on the pile just to give a warning shot across the bow (except my warning shot killed half the ants. Ooops).
“Who hurt Timmy?!? Who did it?” Nobody said a word. “Charlie, please tell me the truth.”
“It was the slugs.”
“Why would Timmy lie?”
“You haven’t seen him chumming up to them? They wanted him to become part of the gang but he said no. They roughed him up for betraying them. Still feels loyalty toward them though.”
“That’s not true. I’ve talked to the slugs and they said they would never do that to the strawberries.”
“Are you stupid Goose? Everyone in this backyard is out for themselves. Everyone.”
“You aren’t being very nice”
“Oh yeah, were tired of singing that ant song too”
“Careful Charlie.” I raised the kettle.
“Go ahead Goose. You don’t have the balls.” One of the other ants (Amos) screamed, “Charlie, the Vasectomy.”
“AAAAAUUUUUGGGGGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!” I poured the boiling water out and began laughing as I heard the screams. “Nobody makes fun of Goose.” “Nobody!” After the kettle was empty, the screams had turned to groans, and my heart rate returned to normal, I fell to my knees and asked God for forgiveness. But something had already snapped inside of my brain.
“What happened here?” I turned and saw Owen the slug and his band of brothers. “Goose, are…..you….ok?” He turned to look at his tribe to confirm he wasn’t the only one to see my ashen, and sweaty, face.”
“I gotta surprise for you.” I said as I stumbled into the house.
“It looks like Goose has sugar for us.”
Rose the slug said, “That’s not sugar Owen! Run!”
Owen said, “We can’t run you idiot.”
“Hide.”
“Where?”
“Pray”
“To who?”
By that time I had reached them. “Would you like salt with that?” At the end of 15 seconds the mountain of salt was all that was left.
“Daddy?..............Daddy?” I looked up to see Beast standing over me. “Fire’s full.” I look over to see fire put the last strawberry into his mouth. He had eaten them all. Even the white ones. Then I had a moment of clarity. I pulled both my boys to my breast.
“Let me let you in on a little secret guys.”
“What’s that dad?”
“You are more important than anything in my life”
“Even the strawberries?”
“Well, Fire made sure of that didn’t he? Now who wants chocolate milk?” Everyone shrieked for joy, including me. As they ran into the house I couldn’t help but remember the tragedy that had just happened minutes ago. I stretched and soaked in the sunshine for a second or two. I breathed in a breath of fresh air and chuckled, “With friends like me who needs enemies?” I turned back and gave all of them the middle finger before heading into the house where everyone was happy to see me.
The End
(Man/Husband) Skin Art
When I was 19 years old I wanted a tattoo. I had it all planned out in my head as to what I wanted. The only thing I didn't do was actually go out and get it. And thank God. There were things on that potential tattoo I would not want people to see. Not because of anything offensive but because I stood behind certain values that are not as important to me now. I wouldn't want my tattoo to misrepresent me.
"Hey Frank! Why do you have a tattoo of Smurfette on your calf?"
"The tattoo artist said it would be cool ok?"
"Is that pac-man on your wrist?”
“Shut up.”
I wanted a few things:
1) Black ink only.
4) In a conservative spot (I didn’t want to regret its placement in case it did, in fact, look stupid after the honeymoon period wore off).
Here is the tattoo half way finished (upon Kelly’s request). If I had it my way I would continue the portrait all the way down to my knee. I have an idea as to what else I want but Daisy won’t budge. Would all of you support me with a yes vote? If you think no then, in all seriousness, say what you think.
Well, Daisy became pregnant and I started to feel old. She knew I had wanted a tattoo for a while and finally conceded on one condition. That I never got another one. This was my big shot. A tattoo for the ages. I spent time talking to people about tattoo artists around town. I visited some of the parlors. I talked to a couple of artists to see if they were complete a**holes. I asked a lot about different kinds of inks and spacing. Then I found him. He seemed to appreciate the fact I had an idea as to what I wanted. He said people will come in wanting a tattoo and stand there. He will ask what they want and they would reply, "I don't know. What do you think?" I could see if the client didn't want to hold any responsibility he could always blame the artist.
"The tattoo artist said it would be cool ok?"
"Is that pac-man on your wrist?”
“Shut up.”
If you put “Stupid Tattoos” into Google and click on images you will find many pictures that will both fascinate and disturb. And this was Daisy’s point. Her argument was she has not come along too many tattoos that are worth a damn. She also said all the other things you often hear such as…..it’s permanent, what if the picture is a fad, and it will sag along with your skin. I felt my research and thought process had eliminated many of the pitfalls that would land my picture on the stupid tattoo images in Google. Besides, I only have one body and I wanted the experience.
I wanted a few things:
1) Black ink only.
2) I wanted to be able to see it.
3) I wanted it medium sized.4) In a conservative spot (I didn’t want to regret its placement in case it did, in fact, look stupid after the honeymoon period wore off).
Here is the tattoo half way finished (upon Kelly’s request). If I had it my way I would continue the portrait all the way down to my knee. I have an idea as to what else I want but Daisy won’t budge. Would all of you support me with a yes vote? If you think no then, in all seriousness, say what you think.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Husband/Father (You will feel a pinch...) IV
Doctor came back in and asked a few questions. I hate it when doctors say, “You will feel a slight pinch.” And y’know what? I might have been able to handle a pinch. But he injects my testicles with a numbing agent and then begins to grab and twist my testicles as if he were trying to get information out of me. “I cheated on an exam in High School!!” I scream. “I said I wanted to be like my dad when I grew up but it…..wasn’t…….true!!!!” The doctor turns to Kai, why do these patients always make confessions to me? Dammit Kai I’m a doctor not a priest.” Kai just shrugged. Kai asked me if I was still melting into the mattress.
“Not anymore Kai.”
The doctor did the same thing on the other side and again, my back arched and my toes curled. “How ya doing Goose?” Doc asked.
“Great.” I said. What does he expect me to say?
Well, after tugging, pulling, snipping, and cauterizing, I was finally done. Gauze and a jockstrap later I was off the table and ready for sex. Three days later and that thought still makes me cringe. Took a couple of Vicadin, went to a friend’s house to pick something up and told her the exact same story twice in a matter of 5 minutes. I fell asleep on the couch for 2 hours and then Daisy and I headed home. There are certainly parts of the story I would have liked to have expanded on more but I think that is all for now. Gotta go put on an ice pack and cover myself with a mixing bowl in case one of the boys decided to jump off the couch and onto my scrotum.
“Not anymore Kai.”
The doctor did the same thing on the other side and again, my back arched and my toes curled. “How ya doing Goose?” Doc asked.
“Great.” I said. What does he expect me to say?
Well, after tugging, pulling, snipping, and cauterizing, I was finally done. Gauze and a jockstrap later I was off the table and ready for sex. Three days later and that thought still makes me cringe. Took a couple of Vicadin, went to a friend’s house to pick something up and told her the exact same story twice in a matter of 5 minutes. I fell asleep on the couch for 2 hours and then Daisy and I headed home. There are certainly parts of the story I would have liked to have expanded on more but I think that is all for now. Gotta go put on an ice pack and cover myself with a mixing bowl in case one of the boys decided to jump off the couch and onto my scrotum.
Husband/Father (You will feel a pinch...) III
I leave the bathroom and see Kai in the hallway motioning for me to follow. I enter the door; walk down another hallway, and into what felt like the Antarctic. “Oh great” I thought “I’m going to shrink”.
http://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=92561
I know it shouldn’t matter. Just like getting a pimple in High School. It’s not like anybody cares. But because shame is so painful, it matters. Businesses make millions of dollars off how men feel about the size of their penis. It reminds me of a joke.
A man and woman are about to have sex for the first time. The man drops his pants to reveal a small penis. The woman begins laughing and asks, “Who do you plan on pleasing with that?”
The man states confidently, “Me”
Anyway, Kai attaches a metal plate to my hip to ground me for the cauterization.
“Nice Tattoo” she said.
“Thanks” I replied.
And now we resume our story. In the booklet it said my genitals would be washed. I was a little worried I might obtain an erection which would embarrass us both. Well, this was anything but a nice gentle cleansing. In fact, I think I heard my man parts screaming for mercy. At this point I have to make a confession. I never gave my man parts a hint as to what we were going to the doctor for. They looked at me like I had just betrayed them. “You don’t think this hurts me too?” I said.
“Who are you talking to?” Kai said.
“Wally” I said. He’s scared.
Seriously though, I asked Kai (who was a very sweet Hawaiian woman who has four kids) how most men behave when they are at this point. She said like me, scared and quiet. I said I wasn’t scared but winked. I said I did my best to shave well and she as long as I didn’t use an electric razor I was probably fine. She continued by saying they had a guy yesterday who had used an electric razor and it looked as if a cat had used his testicles as a scratching post. I asked why he didn’t stop and she said he just wanted to, “muscle through it”. I told her the Valium was starting to take effect and how I was melting into the mattress. Then the doctor walked in. Do you remember when a teacher walked into a classroom and everything stopped no matter if the teacher was nice or evil? Or when a parent walked into a room with you and your friends? Or when the boss walks over to the water cooler? The dynamic changes.
He walked over to the radio and put it on a jazz station, asked a couple of questions, and then left. Kai continued as if nothing happened. She said during one vasectomy a song called, “Let’s get it on” played and she had to stifle a laugh. Then she said, “Could you spread your legs please?” She took a rolled up a towel and snuggled it into my anus so my genitals were set on it like on the top of a post.
http://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=92561
I know it shouldn’t matter. Just like getting a pimple in High School. It’s not like anybody cares. But because shame is so painful, it matters. Businesses make millions of dollars off how men feel about the size of their penis. It reminds me of a joke.
A man and woman are about to have sex for the first time. The man drops his pants to reveal a small penis. The woman begins laughing and asks, “Who do you plan on pleasing with that?”
The man states confidently, “Me”
Anyway, Kai attaches a metal plate to my hip to ground me for the cauterization.
“Nice Tattoo” she said.
“Thanks” I replied.
And now we resume our story. In the booklet it said my genitals would be washed. I was a little worried I might obtain an erection which would embarrass us both. Well, this was anything but a nice gentle cleansing. In fact, I think I heard my man parts screaming for mercy. At this point I have to make a confession. I never gave my man parts a hint as to what we were going to the doctor for. They looked at me like I had just betrayed them. “You don’t think this hurts me too?” I said.
“Who are you talking to?” Kai said.
“Wally” I said. He’s scared.
Seriously though, I asked Kai (who was a very sweet Hawaiian woman who has four kids) how most men behave when they are at this point. She said like me, scared and quiet. I said I wasn’t scared but winked. I said I did my best to shave well and she as long as I didn’t use an electric razor I was probably fine. She continued by saying they had a guy yesterday who had used an electric razor and it looked as if a cat had used his testicles as a scratching post. I asked why he didn’t stop and she said he just wanted to, “muscle through it”. I told her the Valium was starting to take effect and how I was melting into the mattress. Then the doctor walked in. Do you remember when a teacher walked into a classroom and everything stopped no matter if the teacher was nice or evil? Or when a parent walked into a room with you and your friends? Or when the boss walks over to the water cooler? The dynamic changes.
He walked over to the radio and put it on a jazz station, asked a couple of questions, and then left. Kai continued as if nothing happened. She said during one vasectomy a song called, “Let’s get it on” played and she had to stifle a laugh. Then she said, “Could you spread your legs please?” She took a rolled up a towel and snuggled it into my anus so my genitals were set on it like on the top of a post.
Husband/Father (You will feel a pinch...) II
“Yes”
Daisy walked in and said it looked great without even looking at my shaving job. I was hoping for a pat on the head, a thumbs up, a smile, and maybe a, “For your first time I’d say you did pretty well.” Just like our wedding night.
Printed off directions and went to bed. In the morning Daisy and I left with the care of the children in mother-in-law and sister-n-law’s hands. Find our way to the building around 7:50 am but am angered to see the pharmacy doesn’t open until 8:30 am. They said I could take my Valium at 8 and that it would be in my system by my 8:30 appt. At 8:30 they called me back to “The Room”. She (I’ll call her Kai) took my blood pressure and I started in on a speech a drug user would be proud of. She said I could go back to get those pretty yellow pills but had to make it quick. I rushed to the pharmacy but the guy in front me had a lot of unnecessary questions. Y’know, questions like, “Do I take this orally or anally?” Remember how I said I wasn’t sure if the drugs had been ordered? Well, she couldn’t find the order. “When was it ordered?” she asked.
“I…I…um….the surgery was…..could…..my wife…...chickens and potato chips and sausage and…………….what was the question?”
“Oh I found it. Ordered back in May.”
It was like somebody had dumped a bucket of cold water on my head. “How do I get this into my bloodstream as fast as possible? Snort, smoke, IV?”
She said orally was best and asked when my surgery was. I said 5 minutes ago and she asked if I had anybody to drive me. I said yes and she said take two. I washed my pills down and realized I had to go to the bathroom. I looked down the hall to where I needed to wait for Kai and then down the other hall where the bathroom was. I didn’t want a doctor who felt rushed but I didn’t want to pee on him either. I ran to the bathroom and peed. As I was washing my hands I realized I would have two people standing over my crotch and, most likely, my legs slightly spread. Sh**!!! Do I need to wipe my backside? How I wished the bathroom had a bidet. My empathy bucket was now overflowing for any woman who has had a gynecologist appointment.
Daisy walked in and said it looked great without even looking at my shaving job. I was hoping for a pat on the head, a thumbs up, a smile, and maybe a, “For your first time I’d say you did pretty well.” Just like our wedding night.
Printed off directions and went to bed. In the morning Daisy and I left with the care of the children in mother-in-law and sister-n-law’s hands. Find our way to the building around 7:50 am but am angered to see the pharmacy doesn’t open until 8:30 am. They said I could take my Valium at 8 and that it would be in my system by my 8:30 appt. At 8:30 they called me back to “The Room”. She (I’ll call her Kai) took my blood pressure and I started in on a speech a drug user would be proud of. She said I could go back to get those pretty yellow pills but had to make it quick. I rushed to the pharmacy but the guy in front me had a lot of unnecessary questions. Y’know, questions like, “Do I take this orally or anally?” Remember how I said I wasn’t sure if the drugs had been ordered? Well, she couldn’t find the order. “When was it ordered?” she asked.
“I…I…um….the surgery was…..could…..my wife…...chickens and potato chips and sausage and…………….what was the question?”
“Oh I found it. Ordered back in May.”
It was like somebody had dumped a bucket of cold water on my head. “How do I get this into my bloodstream as fast as possible? Snort, smoke, IV?”
She said orally was best and asked when my surgery was. I said 5 minutes ago and she asked if I had anybody to drive me. I said yes and she said take two. I washed my pills down and realized I had to go to the bathroom. I looked down the hall to where I needed to wait for Kai and then down the other hall where the bathroom was. I didn’t want a doctor who felt rushed but I didn’t want to pee on him either. I ran to the bathroom and peed. As I was washing my hands I realized I would have two people standing over my crotch and, most likely, my legs slightly spread. Sh**!!! Do I need to wipe my backside? How I wished the bathroom had a bidet. My empathy bucket was now overflowing for any woman who has had a gynecologist appointment.
Husband/Father (You will feel a pinch...)
I am lying on a table with my pants and underwear off. There is a blanket over my man parts and the room is as cold as a meat locker. The woman approaches and stands over me with a washcloth that is soiled in a red substance and states, “I’m going to expose you now.” At this point the snippers had yet to come out but I was anxiously awaiting them as my prep work for the Vasectomy was in full swing. Let’s back up a little.
I had been anxiously awaiting my Vasectomy the whole week. Not so much that I was scared as much as I wanted to get it over with. There were only four things I was worried about and had become fixated upon. One, I needed to shave myself. Two, I needed some supportive underwear and did not have them. Third, I had asked the doctor to order me a muscle relaxer and was praying it had been done. Fourth, I needed directions.
Daisy had gone down to her parents to help paint their house on Thursday. She brought back her sister, and her mother. I welcomed them and said I was glad they could all be with me for such a special occasion. She also brought her father’s tighty whities. I’m not sure if either my father-in-law or I were keen on my wearing his underwear but evidently they were new. I checked for brown stripes but there were none. Don’t judge me please.
We all played a board game that evening. I stood up and asked the ladies, “Should I shave tonight or tomorrow?” All three said I should shave that night because you never know how long it will take and I wouldn’t want to be late. I agreed.
I brought down a lamp from upstairs and set out my tools. The instructions specifically said I should shave with a straight edge and not an electric shaver. Luckily Daisy had some straight edge razors, with a safety shield, that she uses for her legs. I didn’t have any shaving foam so I figured I would use soap. I looked at all the products and decided to use some Oxy pads for sterilization. That went ok. I surveyed again and thought I might want to use pre-shave lotion. It was for electric shavers but what the hell, I was in pre-shave mode. Then I thought, “I should trim first” so I got out some scissors and began to go through a labor intensive sprucing. The instructions said the scrotum but also specified the base of the penis. I was a little frustrated because I didn’t want to do shave too little and have them think I was sloppy but I didn’t want to shave too much and have them think I had thoroughly enjoyed myself. Finally, I had to ask myself………if I was going to perform surgery on my testicles where would I need…uh… “Clearance”. I told myself I would never perform surgery on my own testicles. Then the part of me that asked the question held the razor against the base of my penis and said, “Don’t get cute”. So the other part of me began instructing the part of me that held the razor where to begin shaving.
After I had gotten into a pretty decent rhythm I heard, “Taking a while aren’t you Goose? (snicker, giggle, giggle)”
I opened the door a crack and said, “Daisy, I need your opinion.”
Daisy grimaced and said, “Do I have to?”
I had been anxiously awaiting my Vasectomy the whole week. Not so much that I was scared as much as I wanted to get it over with. There were only four things I was worried about and had become fixated upon. One, I needed to shave myself. Two, I needed some supportive underwear and did not have them. Third, I had asked the doctor to order me a muscle relaxer and was praying it had been done. Fourth, I needed directions.
Daisy had gone down to her parents to help paint their house on Thursday. She brought back her sister, and her mother. I welcomed them and said I was glad they could all be with me for such a special occasion. She also brought her father’s tighty whities. I’m not sure if either my father-in-law or I were keen on my wearing his underwear but evidently they were new. I checked for brown stripes but there were none. Don’t judge me please.
We all played a board game that evening. I stood up and asked the ladies, “Should I shave tonight or tomorrow?” All three said I should shave that night because you never know how long it will take and I wouldn’t want to be late. I agreed.
I brought down a lamp from upstairs and set out my tools. The instructions specifically said I should shave with a straight edge and not an electric shaver. Luckily Daisy had some straight edge razors, with a safety shield, that she uses for her legs. I didn’t have any shaving foam so I figured I would use soap. I looked at all the products and decided to use some Oxy pads for sterilization. That went ok. I surveyed again and thought I might want to use pre-shave lotion. It was for electric shavers but what the hell, I was in pre-shave mode. Then I thought, “I should trim first” so I got out some scissors and began to go through a labor intensive sprucing. The instructions said the scrotum but also specified the base of the penis. I was a little frustrated because I didn’t want to do shave too little and have them think I was sloppy but I didn’t want to shave too much and have them think I had thoroughly enjoyed myself. Finally, I had to ask myself………if I was going to perform surgery on my testicles where would I need…uh… “Clearance”. I told myself I would never perform surgery on my own testicles. Then the part of me that asked the question held the razor against the base of my penis and said, “Don’t get cute”. So the other part of me began instructing the part of me that held the razor where to begin shaving.
After I had gotten into a pretty decent rhythm I heard, “Taking a while aren’t you Goose? (snicker, giggle, giggle)”
I opened the door a crack and said, “Daisy, I need your opinion.”
Daisy grimaced and said, “Do I have to?”
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