Monday, August 9, 2010

(Man) Stevie Nicks

Can anyone be more beautiful than 1987 Stevie Nicks?  This link takes you to a concert clip where she sings "Seven Wonders".  The eye shadow, the shiny lipstick, the gloves, and please do not overlook the hair (how can you not?).  She looks into the camera a couple of times as if to say, "I like you Goose".  A couple of slow motion shots, the dark brown eyes, and the smoky voice left me politely asking for more.  I hope you have the same experience.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rVfs6V38aAQ

Saturday, August 7, 2010

(Man) Revenge

If you are seeking revenge toward a friend or family member I would suggest sending them this e-mail.  It worked in ruining my relationship so I thought it would help any of you who are looking to save time.  Feel free to change any part of this to fit your situation.  Good luck and God bless.

Dear Rhino,

Your threats have no effect on me because of a force field I have developed over the past ten years. I'm not going to give away its secrets but it involves a ham sandwich, smoke bomb, jellyfish and several liters of Gatorade. Do you know why I built this force field? Because in Jr. High I was the only guy who wore a New Kids on the Block T-shirt to school. And guess what? The sticks they beat me with and the stones they threw at me in fact broke my bones. And the words they used actually hurt me. From that day forward I knew a time like this would eventually come and I would then be prepared to deflect onslaughts of foul language and antagonism as well as create an abusive offensive attack. I did not know what kind of insults or who they might come from. How was I ever to know that someone would be you?

For as long as I have known you I have never had an inkling of dislike toward your character. I thought we shared a deep respect for one another but now I know it is not true. Eventually the truth unveils itself and the darkness comes into the light. It reveals an unattractive, distasteful, and repugnant odor that smells of sour milk, rotten eggs, dog breath, and fish that has been left out in the Florida heat and humidity for 36 hours. I had not anticipated your verbal abuse. At the moment of your attack I found there was no limit to where you would strike and what kind of lethal venom you would choose from in your vast repertoire of evil.

I feel it is only fair to warn you that you have set off a chain of events that will now lead to your ultimate destruction. The bowels of Hades have opened and the wolves of hell have been unleashed. Their mouths are parched and their appetite for your soul is overpowering and ultimately devastating. In due course the blood in your veins will run cold as the shadows of the night envelop your feelings with hopelessness and apprehension. Your mind will ruminate upon your transgressions as sleep escapes you. You will cry out for understanding but it will not approach you. You will howl for forgiveness but it will not be given. You will beg for compassion and implore me for acceptance but I will desecrate you.

Welcome to the future inevitability of your existence!!


In case you are curious, this friend had not called me back in what I considered a timely manner. I called again and left a message saying something like, “I’m going to vandalize your ass with my foot.” When he e-mailed me back he made excuses saying something about a wife, kids, and 12 hour work days…..blah...blah…blah. I called him out on being a horrible excuse for a doctor saying something to the effect of, “Instead of saving lives how about saving our friendship you dumb non-friend.”

He wrote back and said, “I am not afraid of you little girly man.” That was all I needed in order to write my letter. He insulted my manhood and that’s just plain uncalled for. His comment to me were out of bounds right? Daisy said I went too far and I should have toned it down a notch or two. I simply wanted to make a point that would ensure he didn’t say those mean things to me again.  What do you think?  Too strong or did I go too easy on him?

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Quickies

1) When my children say, “I want to help you.” it actually means, “Whatever you are doing will now take twice as long.”

2) Oprah is now against text messaging in cars and says we shouldn’t do it. Fair enough. But I think it is just as bad to have children in the back seat. I don’t know how many times I have reached back to pick up a blanket that has been dropped or to wipe a snotty nose or hand back a sippy cup full of water. Y’know why there isn’t a law against reaching back to grab the feet that are kicking the back of your seat? Because all the parents would cry, “You want us to neglect our kids!” And we would be wrong because Fire would live if he doesn’t have his action figure that is on the passenger seat. It’s just that I wouldn’t want to live if he didn’t have his action figure that is on the passenger seat.

3) Now that I am a parent I can understand the temptation of wanting to arrange a marriage. We have friends that are smart, good looking, athletic and musically talented. They have daughters we would guess could turn out similarly. Wouldn’t it be great if we could all be one big happy family? At least that would be my pitch to them. Because today I saw Beast at soccer practice picking his nose on the sideline and refusing to kick a ball. Simply put, I want to give him the best opportunity to marry over his head and not get stuck with some crack whore. Not that there is anything wrong with crack whores. I apologize to any of you if you are a crack whore or who would like to become a crack whore. I just think Thanksgiving could be a bit uncomfortable. Now I’m just thinking of myself right? Well fine. Go ahead and marry a crack whore Beast! I don’t care! It’s all about love right? Your god given American freedom to choose your partner can be shoved up your ass for all I care!

4) I just wanted to remind everyone that if you pass a church in the next couple of weeks and they are advertising VBS, it is not an STD recovery group. It stands for Vacation Bible School.

5) I complain about my kid’s misbehavior a lot but I have good times too. They are little mosquitoes sometimes and it is very cute. I will walk up the stairs to grab something and as I’m coming back down they are on their way up to see me. “Awwww, they want to be with me.” I say. But other times they are zombies who are following me with their, “Uuuuuugggggghhhhh” sounds with an appetite for destroying my brain with confusing questions. I’ll hide in my room but soon will see these grubby fingers underneath the door trying to pry themselves in. Their fingernails are long and dirty so I feel embarrassed about having not taken care of that problem before now. Suddenly the power goes out and the phone stops working. Daisy hasn’t come home like she said she would and I start to have a panic attack. Right when I’m about to jump out the window, I hear the door slam and little feet prancing down the stairs. I hear, “Why aren’t you down here with the children?”

I crack the door open, “I’m scared”.

“You are an adult and they are children who weigh no more than 40 lbs each.” I come slowly down the stairs to see their innocent grins that tell me, “Just wait until you are sleeping old man.” A shiver down my spine lets me know my soul has not yet been taken................but soon will be.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

(Husband) Beautiful

This song is so romantic that I couldn't help but share it with all of you.


Confederate Railroad Lyrics for "Trashy Women"

Well, I was raised in a sophisticated kind of style.
Yeah, my taste in music and women drove my folks half wild.
Mom and Dad had a plan for me,
It was debutantes and er-symphonies,
But I like my music hot and like my women wild.

Yeah, an' I like my women just a little on the trashy side,
When they wear their clothes too tight and their hair is dyed.
Too much lipstick an' er too much rouge,
Gets me excited, leaves me feeling confused.
An' I like my women just a little on the trashy side.

You should've seen the looks on the faces of my Dad and Mom,
When I showed up at the door with a date for the senior prom.
They said: "Well, pardon us, son, she ain't no kid.
That's a cocktail waitress in a Dolly Parton wig."
I said: "I know it, dad. Ain't she cool, That's the kind I dig."

Yeah, an' I like my women just a little on the trashy side,
When they wear their clothes too tight and their hair is dyed.
Too much lipstick an' er too much rouge,
Gets me excited, leaves me feeling confused.
An' I like my women just a little on the trashy side.

I like 'em sweet, I like 'em with a heart of gold.
Yeah an' I like 'em brassy, I like 'em brazen and bold.
Well, they say that opposites attract, well, I don't agree
I want a woman just as tacky as me.
Yeah, I like my women just a little on the trashy side.

Yeah, an' I like my women just a little on the trashy side,
When they wear their clothes too tight and their hair is dyed.
Too much lipstick an' er too much rouge,
Gets me excited, leaves me feeling confused.
An' I like my women just a little on the trashy side.
Yeah, I like my women an' I like 'em on the trashy side.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

(Father) Wine because of whine

I’m not drunk but I’m about to be. First off, this computer is not my friend. Second, it was a rough day with the kids. When is it not you ask? That is a good question. Let me start by saying…..


I don’t think I am the only person in the world who would like a good return on their investment. Money, time, and good health (self care) are the things we don’t have enough of and would like to be rewarded for anything we might do to increase the above things. Or at least feel as if the investment of money, time, and a sacrifice of self care was worth it. With that in mind, I have no qualms about saying I make investments into my kids (except when it doesn’t suit me). Sounds simple enough. But when I take them out to do special things I would like them to appreciate it. For instance, if I say, “Who wants to go to Dairy Queen” and hear a loud “YEAH!!” from the back seat I feel as if I am the best dad in the world. But when we get our overpriced Blizzard and I split it between the two I become unhappy very quickly.

“Fire got more than me”, “I don’t want a red spoon”, “Don’t want booster”, “Napkin!”

And I say, “Please sit down Fire”, “I can’t take out all the chocolate pieces Beast”, “Do you not want the ice cream ‘cause I can just throw it away.”

I walk out of Dairy Queen wondering what the whole point of the outing was. I just wanted to sit down, eat sweets, and talk about Star Wars. Daisy has said in the past, “Congratulations! If they weren’t acting as a normal 4 yr old and 2 yr old there would be a problem.” It’s true. Even during the moment of frustration I might picture them sleeping and being all cute and non whiny. And it is at that moment I wonder why I can’t be more patient. And then they wake up and I remember rather quickly. Don’t get me wrong, I laugh with them a lot. It is my own expectation and perception I need to work on.

Daisy was walking off the field from her indoor soccer game when one of her teammates said, “If I had to go back for a day I would want to be with my 2 and 4 yr old boys again.” Everyone smiled knowingly.

“Why?” I said.

“Well, my kids are now 17 and 19. They get hurt emotionally and all I want to do is hug them and say it will be ok. But they don’t want my hugs anymore. I can’t comfort them the way I used to when all they needed was my soothing voice and embracing arms to make everything better.”

“Oh.” I responded. I had to admit that was pretty good. After a day where I throw my hands up in the air and say, “I don’t care if you have the red cup and want the blue one. I’m not going to repour the milk.” Daisy will put her arm around me and say,

“You’re a good dad. They love you.” And it’s true they do love me and tell me that. Especially when I’m grumpy. I think it is their way of saying, “Are we still friends?” Their whining are like fingernails on a chalkboard but it is my job to socialize them so they don’t approach their boss and wife in the future and whine, “It’s not fair.” Well, maybe they will but at least it will be in a more sophisticated manner.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

(Man) Locking Horns

My friend sent me this in jest.  But, just in case I was wrong, I decided to proselytize him.

Point:

Dr. Goose,

I took some time to read through your blog on the Sabbath no less, and must say I was deeply offended. I find your humor deeply offensive and not suitable for keen minds like my own. I choose not to embrace such frivolous thinking and, instead, opt for more civilized thinkers such as Kant, Durkheim, and Marx. It seems to me Dr. Goose deals with some serious issues. Perhaps some reading of Freud on Oedipus Complex-ing might be appropriate. The behavior described in the blog regarding pranking and childhood foolishness reveals some serious concerns. I might suggest that Dr. Goose consider dealing with these issues through some good supervision. I might also recommend drinking tea and jumping...naked...on your front porch. This, I have found, has maturing power for all my clients.

Counterpoint:

Mr. Tap,

I'm deeply sorry for inviting you into my darkness. I too have a deep disgust in regard to what my mind thinks about. And what is more disgusting is I want others to take steps into my private hell by reading my filth and passing it along to their friends. Maybe some will shake their heads in confusion. Maybe some will chuckle in an, "I'm embarrassed for him" sort of way. Some may laugh but feel dirty afterward. Like they have been taken advantage of. But maybe, just maybe, there will be a person who connects with what I say. Who appreciates a man with an open mind and soul. Willing to bare all for those who choose to be equally vulnerable. Then, and only then, will I feel together with the universe. Not a complete monster like you suggest but a peaceful river that flows into every consciousness of man. Who jumps on his front porch naked. Not because he has to or has been told to but because he wants and desires to for the good of all people. May I also recommend something Mr. Tap? Strip away your Westernized reason and logical chains. Join the freedom of a new day and tear down your false idols of Kant, Durkheim, and Marx. Take the chance of joining our story.

(Husband/Father) 12 Nursemaids

Today is the 12th anniversary of Daisy and Goose. It started out wonderfully with my playing pirates with Beast and then transitioning into making pumpkin pancakes for my family. Fire decided it was a good time to dislocate his elbow. Evidently this dislocation is called Nursemaid’s Elbow or could now be considered Babysitter’s Elbow. I can only guess it is because Nursemaids or Babysitters are known to abuse children? And that’s the funny thing. Dislocation of a child’s elbow before the age of 4 is pretty common and easily fixed. And not because of any kind of severe injury but common things such as falling down. In the case of Fire this morning it was jumping off our two story roof and sticking the landing only to became cocky and immediately jump into 5 no handed backward flips. After he landed those he punched a huge tree. We watched in astonishment as the mighty Oak tree collapsed onto our neighbor’s roof. We all whistled and cheered. The neighbor came out to congratulate Fire for such a fine display of fantastic strength. But when they shook hands Fire’s arm became limp and it was then we knew something was wrong.


Don't worry, it was easily fixed so the doctor showed me what to do in case other dislocations occur. He found out I have a private practice next door to the clinic, said his wife is looking to get into private practice, and viola. We are going to have dinner with our doctor’s family. Is that normal? My experience with doctors have been a 5 minute interview of symptom checklists, if I’m allergic to any medications, a prescription shoved into my hand, and a swift kick on my a** to get me out the door.

Unfortunately I have to go because Fire just woke up from his nap. Will you forgive me if I take a little time to vent? Daisy and I were going to have time alone today but it didn’t happen. Why? Because my biological mother loves booze more than my kids. I know it is harsh but it is also true. She is a nice woman who means well but she ends up hurting many people around her because of her addiction. False promises are no fun. Is someone close to you an alcoholic? It’s terribly frustrating to watch the disease progress.